[Ibogaine] The Small Things

Valarie val.needis at gmail.com
Thu Dec 19 21:44:39 CST 2013


Danielle,
That is hilarious, you just described me and my husband! Lol
<3 val
On Dec 19, 2013 7:24 PM, "danielle" <danielle6175 at sbcglobal.net> wrote:

> Jim I don't know why I think the way I do.  Maybe it has something to do
> with being raised around a lot of hell fire and damnation.  Maybe it's
> because I've caused myself a little bit of brain damage.  Maybe it's
> because when your coming out of a fog in a lot of ways it's like learning
> how to walk all over again and stumbling through simple things is
> frustrating.
>
> I know this sounds dysfunctional but my Husband loves my temperament
> although he won't admit it (not the self hatred stuff but the "expressive"
> side of me).  He's a fairly disciplined person and much more even tempered
> than I am. He lives vicariously through me.  He acts all shocked and
> appalled but he loves it![image: *:x lovestruck]
>
> Plus when we met he was my boss.  Since I have very serious issues with
> authority part of our chemistry is based on the ideology of: "you can't
> tell me what to do; but I dare you to try".  I don't know, it works for us.
>  Interestingly his full head of rich brown hair has transitioned into more
> of a "salt n' pepper" scrumpiousness that is also referred to as a whole
> lotta wisdom.  I don't know; it's been 12 years so a lot of other things
> other than myself can be blamed for that.
>
> All I know is the dishes NEEDED to be thrown and I feel I did the right
> thing...I reserve the right to change my mind on that.
>
> Also; I can only hope that someday I'm able to glean all there is from a
> book by simply reading the title.  That's some serious insight! [image:
> *;) winking]
>
>
>
>   ------------------------------
>  *From:* Jim Hadey3 <jimhadey3 at gmail.com>
> *To:* The Ibogaine List <ibogaine at mindvox.com>
> *Sent:* Thursday, December 19, 2013 6:04 PM
> *Subject:* Re: [Ibogaine] The Small Things
>
> Hi Danielle,
>
> >>>  CAN'T EVEN GET A FUCKING SHIRT RIIIIIIGHT!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS
> WROOOOOONG WITH ME!!!!!!!! I'M THE STUPIDEST, MOST WORTHLESS PERSON
> ALIIIIIVE!!!!!!" You know how that thought process becomes  <<<
>
> You got to stop beating yourself up, I have no idea what to say cept ya
> gotta love yourself, think better of yourself, it may do ya good to talk to
> someone, maybe clean the air, or clean out the brain, get rid of old
> baggage. What did you do that was so so bad that you do not like yourself?
>  Ever kill anyone, shoot anyone, stab anyone, what was the worse thing you
> ever done?  I don't really know ya but I think you deserve more credit than
> your giving yourself, of course that is just my opinion.
>
> Oh, there is a book called "Don't sweat the small stuff", my wife read it
> and it didn't seem to help.  Me, I looked at the title and figured it out
> and no longer sweat the small stuff, really.  You'll never be happy if ya
> keep beating yourself up or throwing stuff in the driveway.  And just so ya
> know I used to beat myself up and throw stuff around now and then and you
> got to teach yourself to quit, yeah I understand but you really have to be
> as nice to yourself as you would be to others.
>
> Best,
>
>   -JIM
>
>
>
> On Thu, Dec 19, 2013 at 7:46 PM, danielle <danielle6175 at sbcglobal.net>wrote:
>
> So I braced myself for impact knowing that life would be different during
> the "clean living" thing I'm trying out (for now).  I was right.  What
> surprised me is that I was wrong about the parts that would be different.
>  I assumed that the massively stressful things would be my undoing.  I
> don't have a particular desire to deal with massively stressful things but
> adrenaline sort of kicks in when something seems "too much" and that helps
> to soften the blow.
>
> It's the little things that rock my world.  I mean they send me into a
> complete identity crisis, mental tailspin, into the world of; "I'm the scum
> of the earth and I don't deserve to breathe" mode.  I forgot to iron a
> shirt yesterday.  A SHIRT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!  I mean't to.  It was on
> the "to do" list.  We were getting ready to go to my daughter's Christmas
> Program and my Husband couldn't find his shirt and he was annoyed but not
> like completely irate.  He looked in the mirror and said, "Danielle; when
> people look at me their gonna think: 'Dude, that's what your wife thinks
> of you'?
>
> I know, you know, and he know's that was a jackass chauvinistic remark.
>  My normal self would have come up with something clever to say that would
> have properly put him in his place and diffused the situation.  Instead; my
> brain goes into hyper self destruct overdrive where I'm thinking: "I CAN'T
> EVEN GET A FUCKING SHIRT RIIIIIIGHT!!!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WROOOOOONG WITH
> ME!!!!!!!!  I'M THE STUPIDEST, MOST WORTHLESS PERSON ALIIIIIVE!!!!!!"  You
> know how that thought process becomes a domino effect where you rethink
> EVERYTHING you've EVER done wrong since the day you were born?  If you're
> not familiar with that process then just consider yourself lucky.  It's
> what I consider to be the dark side of Crazy Town.
>
> Then there's the "build up" side of having a clear brain where you're
> discovering all the crazy shit you had a ton of patience for because you
> were loving from a place of guilt and remorse.  3 weeks ago I had the house
> CLEEEEEAAAAAN top to bottom.  It's normally clean but this was sparkling.
>  Everyone wanted to eat in the Living Room cause we were watching a movie.
>  Cool; no problem.  Then all the plates started building up.  The cups.
>  The shoes.  The Pepsi cans.  The wrappers.  It's one thing to be a slob in
> a messy house.  It's a very different thing to vandalize a home that
> someone you love spent the whole fucking day breaking her fucking back to
> clean!!  So; I decided to just see if anyone was going to pick anything up.
>  I mean; of course it was just a case of momentary oversight, riiight?
>  NOPE.  All night there was no movement in the direction of a self
> motivated light "pick up".  Then bed time.  NOTHING.  So, I'M PISSED!!!
> Like; homicidal FUMING!!!  I didn't say anything cause I was positive that
> when my Husband got up the next morning he'd see the complete injustice of
> it all and offer to help.  When the next morning rolled around he thought
> he was going to merrily hop, skip, and jump out to the car where he could
> mosey on off.  Then he had the FUCKING NERVE to ask for his lunch AND ask
> if I was going to do anything about the FUCKING LIVING ROOM!!!!!  Which
> made the nerve up by my temple go from pulsating to full on BURST!!  So; I
> said: "The Living Room?  Sure; in fact let me take care of that right now
> babe."  I proceeded to collect every fucking dish, can, and paper (probably
> along with some valuable nik-naks) and threw those items into the driveway
> as hard as I could in an attempt to ensure that whatever was breakable
> shattered to pieces.  OH! MY!!! GAAWD!!!! IT FELT SOOOOOO GOOOOOOD!!!!
>
> I have not cleaned the driveway up and I have no plans to.  EVER.  For as
> long as I live; IT WILL BE OVER MY COLD DEAD BODY that I will pick up that
> mess and TRUST ME; it is a HUUUUGE MESS!
>
> I'm fairly certain there were about 5 million more productive and mature
> ways to handle these range of emotions.  Strangely; I feel all warm and
> fuzzy inside knowing I took the low road and I don't have a OUNCE of
> remorse.
>
> So I thought I'd share some surprising realizations in my Clarity
> Experiment.  Trust me; your going to be shocked at all the shit you let
> slide when you come to your senses so be prepared.  Things might get ugly.
>  But; then again that's why "makeup sex" was invented, right?
>
> Disclaimer:  I never pretended to be a well adjusted and mentally stable
> individual.  It is what it is. ; P
>
>
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