[Ibogaine] The Small Things
danielle6175 at sbcglobal.net
Thu Dec 19 18:46:48 CST 2013
So I braced myself for impact knowing that life would be different during the "clean living" thing I'm trying out (for now). I was right. What surprised me is that I was wrong about the parts that would be different. I assumed that the massively stressful things would be my undoing. I don't have a particular desire to deal with massively stressful things but adrenaline sort of kicks in when something seems "too much" and that helps to soften the blow.
It's the little things that rock my world. I mean they send me into a complete identity crisis, mental tailspin, into the world of; "I'm the scum of the earth and I don't deserve to breathe" mode. I forgot to iron a shirt yesterday. A SHIRT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! I mean't to. It was on the "to do" list. We were getting ready to go to my daughter's Christmas Program and my Husband couldn't find his shirt and he was annoyed but not like completely irate. He looked in the mirror and said, "Danielle; when people look at me their gonna think: 'Dude, that's what your wife thinks of you'?
I know, you know, and he know's that was a jackass chauvinistic remark. My normal self would have come up with something clever to say that would have properly put him in his place and diffused the situation. Instead; my brain goes into hyper self destruct overdrive where I'm thinking: "I CAN'T EVEN GET A FUCKING SHIRT RIIIIIIGHT!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WROOOOOONG WITH ME!!!!!!!! I'M THE STUPIDEST, MOST WORTHLESS PERSON ALIIIIIVE!!!!!!" You know how that thought process becomes a domino effect where you rethink EVERYTHING you've EVER done wrong since the day you were born? If you're not familiar with that process then just consider yourself lucky. It's what I consider to be the dark side of Crazy Town.
Then there's the "build up" side of having a clear brain where you're discovering all the crazy shit you had a ton of patience for because you were loving from a place of guilt and remorse. 3 weeks ago I had the house CLEEEEEAAAAAN top to bottom. It's normally clean but this was sparkling. Everyone wanted to eat in the Living Room cause we were watching a movie. Cool; no problem. Then all the plates started building up. The cups. The shoes. The Pepsi cans. The wrappers. It's one thing to be a slob in a messy house. It's a very different thing to vandalize a home that someone you love spent the whole fucking day breaking her fucking back to clean!! So; I decided to just see if anyone was going to pick anything up. I mean; of course it was just a case of momentary oversight, riiight? NOPE. All night there was no movement in the direction of a self motivated light "pick up". Then bed time. NOTHING. So, I'M PISSED!!! Like;
homicidal FUMING!!! I didn't say anything cause I was positive that when my Husband got up the next morning he'd see the complete injustice of it all and offer to help. When the next morning rolled around he thought he was going to merrily hop, skip, and jump out to the car where he could mosey on off. Then he had the FUCKING NERVE to ask for his lunch AND ask if I was going to do anything about the FUCKING LIVING ROOM!!!!! Which made the nerve up by my temple go from pulsating to full on BURST!! So; I said: "The Living Room? Sure; in fact let me take care of that right now babe." I proceeded to collect every fucking dish, can, and paper (probably along with some valuable nik-naks) and threw those items into the driveway as hard as I could in an attempt to ensure that whatever was breakable shattered to pieces. OH! MY!!! GAAWD!!!! IT FELT SOOOOOO GOOOOOOD!!!!
I have not cleaned the driveway up and I have no plans to. EVER. For as long as I live; IT WILL BE OVER MY COLD DEAD BODY that I will pick up that mess and TRUST ME; it is a HUUUUGE MESS!
I'm fairly certain there were about 5 million more productive and mature ways to handle these range of emotions. Strangely; I feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing I took the low road and I don't have a OUNCE of remorse.
So I thought I'd share some surprising realizations in my Clarity Experiment. Trust me; your going to be shocked at all the shit you let slide when you come to your senses so be prepared. Things might get ugly. But; then again that's why "makeup sex" was invented, right?
Disclaimer: I never pretended to be a well adjusted and mentally stable individual. It is what it is. ; P
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