[Ibogaine] tried

Jeremy Spence jlspence12 at gmail.com
Fri May 20 04:04:58 EDT 2011


That's cool man

Jim, I live by the words, I "always" "give credit" to "any" "human"  
"being" female, male, she-man, trans-gender, or worse, "both sexes" at  
the same time"
"must be fun?" in a fucked up way I guess, probably not...

Jim did, help me with my Morphine, getting on MS, helped me, some  
what, with converting to MS cont, when I didn't know if I could take  
it, because, "nearly"
"at one point, still to this very day, a most meds/drugs, fuck with my  
bladder..."

I looking completely normal, you can't look at me, and tell I have IC,  
beautiful women have my cond, disease, disorder, "what ever they want  
to call it"
"they don't really have a clue"

"what causes it"
I barely can spell the damm thing, that's what they label it IC for  
short.

I am not trying to gain, "ohhhhhhhhh" "we feel" "soooooo sorry for you"
"right"

I don't need it anyways!
It is nice to get love from people though, Just shot outs, even if  
maybe, I don't deseirve it, because i guess, i act kind of nuts...

I am sorry for that...
"that a shame on me I guess"

Just know, I really didn't want my life to be the way its been, and  
have fought for it not to be that way, I did, every medical nut job  
dark age, "Godly" Better, American medical treatment for this, "I was  
a lab rat"
I wouldn't wan't a animal to go through what i went through!!

Even my father, I tried to help, not get fucked up on pain meds, and  
he not really in my life at all...
I did what I could, I just "had to tell him, what he was getting his  
self into"

He was taking oxy, for knee pain, I just told him, "it better be bad"  
"and only he could really know, if it was, and if he really needed  
pain control..

i didn't have any other options///

And stem cells, i not going to be a another lab rat! again! I'd rather  
die" "in my apt, totally utterly alone" then be a freak science  
experiment"
I'll be dammed if i do, just to be caled "weak""right"
"what ever"

Strong, weak, big muscles, bitches, hoes, dick heads, MD's, meds/ 
drugs, the baddddd ones, VS. the Dr. OZ one's!
Let talk about, "do you drive on "thoseeeeeeee"

"yea, those"
"oh no"

"not those"
They use Methamphetamines "still" in the US, better, more Godly,  
Military" "oh no" not "those"
"they come in 10mg tabs, yes, "Methamphetamines"
"Yes, they have real, "medical uses" "oh no!!"
"they work well too"
And yes, the better, more Godly US, used them, just the same as the  
Nazi's did, flying long missions, "they had to use them"
"you can't just get rid" "of the meds/drugs, you don't like"

"I have found my Adderall, even though, i "wish to God, I had a more  
opened minded MD, "Any where" "around my area"
"because, i'd be on at least the dextro form, shorter acting  
amphetamine, "for lack of energy, because of being on pain meds, for  
ever 15 plus years, fighting a "not spose to be real bladder, "I don't  
want to get into it" "cond, disease, disorder" what ever they want to  
"label it"

"I don't really know"
I believe I was prone to it, stress(pushed to the limit when i was in  
college, low self estem issues, no father, "not to" "for everybody to  
go, oh, lets" "feel sorry for you"

"just explaining my self, I never was a IV type guy really, and I  
stopped IVing opiates on my own, with the help of the methadone  
clinic, an talking with my
coulser, that I "really tried to help my self"
and did jusst that, and used my time as wisely as i could when i was  
there!


"you bet I did"\
6 and a half years on methadone! and that was "it" how any human,  
male, or female, or "it" E. T. , could stay on that Nazi's made Drug  
is beyond me???

it one hell of a drug, oh it works alright, it does re set the brain  
in a way, "some how"
I can, but i "wanted to help my own self, so it worked for me, while I  
had to have pain control at the same time.

It probably saved my life, but it killed some of my friends, not being  
smart with it, nothing I gave them though.

I always told, anybody, thinking about "methadone, it kind of needs to  
be given by "the clinic" "or a MD, or somebody who knows what they are  
doing..
It "can, and does kill people too...

I believe the methadone clinic, at least for, until now, "save my  
worthless ass"
Not that I wasn't worth it, but that is yet to be determined"

I do feel like i owe society as a whole if i ever get through this  
mess...

I am working on it daly, I am not just pissing my time away as people  
"might think"

i try to eat a certain crazy ass, nut job way, which in reality I am  
blessed to even have the chance to do really, SSI from the US gov,  
(and no, I am not draining society the way people would think! I am "I  
have insurance through a privite, insurance, "only because I sweated  
blood out at my 4 year college, that i nearly got through!
psychoigy minor, and biology major!
I didn't get through all my bio classes though, and it really sucks" I  
will finish up, if i get my morphine down to a leve I can function on  
even slightly normal.
I will!

But, i need to be on, I like to be on around down to 30mg, down from  
230mgs of MS cont which is not that high, but over time, I can't lie  
and say that, pain meds, don't ware on you"
"they do"
Plus, I can't smoke non medical marijuana, which would help me  
greatly, ease my prblems with my cond, but no, i am in "religious  
land" of the not free"
state.
It will change, a 35 min drive to IL, and they have it there.

"Indiana is one of the, and there are other states just like it, it  
does have some good to it, and to believe i really use to like this  
state"
It's a pretty judgemental state.
But, its got "still a few good things about it I do like.

For example: if you found true love(what that?, i don't know) but if  
you, lets say were to "find it" "the chances of it being "close to real"
"or as real as it get" "for, a human being, you could pretty much bet,  
if you made it a certain amount of time "With a certain special some  
one"
"chances are" its "a note book type, story book, love story rel."
"even though, its hard as hell, to find, let alone "keep"

But, it very well, is a state, if you found true love, it very well,  
"just" "might be" I mean, "might" be?

The gun laws are pretty cool here too, and you don't have the "murder  
rate, that you would think we would have, "the fact getting a M16, or  
the newer Army issue M4's
, you would think in Indiana we have a fairly high murder rate, but  
its not no where, "near" what you would believe it to be"
"and i don't ever really want to see that change"

"I don't want to see, the police, "saying, damm, "where the 187" the  
police code for "homaicd" "I mean, like speeding tickets Qulta's for  
murders"
"like drug bust"
"I don't ever wish to see that"

And, I no, even though, talk crazy at times, "no, i do not" "believe  
in taking life" "without" "damm good reason" "not I was just madd at  
somebody"
I am talking about, some one got a gun, or is "actively" "for real"  
"planning on killing you, or is acting in the act of trying to kill you"
"then, that's self defence" "even though, your going to have to "prove  
it was"
"and then, you still "can and probably will, get sued, no matter,  
"who's fault it was"
by the surviving family member in sue happy America!

it just a given, damm near!
I mean, you'll still have to fight it!

So, that means, you better, bave a damm good reason, for 1 carrying, 2  
firing your wepen, 3 taking a human life"

"but, after being fucked up the ass by society, and every girl i eve  
cared about, "I hate to say it" "but i will" put a full clip into a  
mother fucker pushing me up against a wall
trying to fuck with me!
"self defence" not waving a gun around"
or what your saw in on "TV, or a movie"

"I am talking about as a EMS worker, they, "are largerly being more  
and more, the target of hate crimes, "example, Doctor, control and  
power freak, told you to tell, science experiment gone wrong, "his or  
even yes, she, is not getting shit"
"Take some non addictive shit, that's "worthless, and "don't call me"  
in the morning, inter, hell of raining bullets, "aimed at, guess who?"
"that's right, me"
"what i am I to do, "call the, let you bleed out police?"
"I be dead by the time, they "get around to driving by the seen"

"they will just bring the yellow tape"
"and laff about how, they "wasn't going near it, or even thinking  
about getting hurt over your medical "better" (some of them medical  
people got a bad rep" for acting better, then the police, and just  
everybody in general"
"so they are so liked by "everyone"

"even though, i'd be the most humble medic you ever met, "but that  
won't matter, when your full of bullet hoes" "oh, but here's the  
catch, "your not allow, to pack heat, "job wise"
"legal wise you can"
"all they can do is fire you"

But, if  I am packing, and if i am pack right, "you wouldn't ever know  
i had it on me"
"that's how i always packed my heat, back in the day, and "I did have  
to pull my .357 sig on a homeless dude once, in a bad part of town, I  
didn't fire a shot, but I wasn't "Trying to fight either"
I just pulled my shit, and got the fuck out of there, walkng backwars,  
not that i loved doiing it, i hate every sec of it, but this dude  
tried to act like he was going to rob me, and i wasn't having it..."
Looking back, he probably was harmless, but "you don't know what they  
other guys got"

Even a knife can do a lot of damage, i just pull my heat, fuck the  
bull shit, and big muscle shit....
"it not worth getting robbed over, or hurt, "I not trying to fucking  
hear it"
I am sorry if i sound crazy, or nuts, but, I rather have one hell of a  
chance with my heat, then without it"

And after being left by everybody on the face of the planet, "I going  
out" "like a mother fucking Souldier"

"I don't have a soul who going to help me, if i get hurt again,  
nobody! no wife, no kids, a mother who fighting cancer and doing good  
with it "now"
She's doing better then if she went chemo with it....

I don't love that she's not doing any thing medical with it, but she  
is, getting it treated, just more holisticly, but, after her, "I got  
nobody"
So, yea, I at least "Demaned a souilders death"
"that means, dying with my hand so tight around my gun, that they  
probably have to "carefully" "saw my hands off, to get it out of my  
hands" "So it don't go off"
"that how i want to go out, if some mother fucker going to fuck with  
me..."

"I am sorry, its not about being, "hard"
its called, "I can't take any more mother fucking shit"

I just haven't had the best luck, if you will, in life, as is, and  
nobody give a fuck about me but my poor mother..
and SSI getting hit with IC so young, fucked the shit out of me!
675 a month, fucked!

I do have osme of the best insurance in the world! "that i worked my  
ass off for"
I didn't get it for free"
If i wouldn't have been in college, "full time" I wouldn't have it"
I didn't wash out of college over meds/drugs, I worked my ass off, and  
didn't even really have a bunch of sex, I had one girl friend, and  
yes, i did bodybuild
But that wasn't my 1st pick of what i was going to do, it wasn't even  
a "back up plan"

It was a freak'en hobby, and i "was good at it" and people want to  
destory that too!
and piss on that also!

I went to the uro, and they "just assumed I was, because I  
bodybuilded, i fucked everything"

I only been with 4 I think maybe sexually all the way, with mayb I  
believe, 5 girls in my whole life!
and they just "assumed I was a fuck toy" for every women in town"

I planned on marriing that girl i was with, kids the whole 9, "with  
out question"
yet everybody "thinks" "they know" what I was, and what I was all about"
yet they don't know nothing about my life"

And her parents were in the medical field both of them, this was  
before i even though to want to be involvled with the medical system  
for a job"
ans they as soon as they got word of what I had, "they told her to  
drop  me like a a rock, I haven't dated since.

I guess, that's my bad I let it effect me like that, I don't really  
know?

It kind of scared me for life, but "life can be a mother fucker, can't  
it"

"nobody said, life would be all easy"

"There s a song, "life is a real bitch", but we keep moving on"
I


Jeremy L Spence






On May 18, 2011, at 8:52 AM, Jim Hadey wrote:

>
> Hi Jeremy,
>
> We had a spat much like everyone else and
> you had a spat.  I do not hate you for that
> would not be right.  Anyway, I am willing to
> bury the hatchet.  Just so ya know I really
> hope you get your life together as I said in
> an earlier post.  You are an intelligent person
> and could contribute to this forum but you
> got to play nice with the rest of the people.
> The people on this forum have feelings the
> same as you have feelings.
>
> Wishing you the best,
>
>   - JIM
>
>
> --- On Tue, 5/17/11, Jeremy Spence <jlspence12 at gmail.com> wrote:
>
> From: Jeremy Spence <jlspence12 at gmail.com>
> Subject: Re: [Ibogaine] tried
> To: "The Ibogaine List" <ibogaine at mindvox.com>
> Date: Tuesday, May 17, 2011, 12:03 AM
>
> You know, you just won't stop will you?
>
> I tell you, i know types such as your self, got to down a other  
> people, to "feel good about "your self"
>
> I know, its dark age shit"
>
> sick if you ask me!
>
> sick
> sick
> sick
> sick
> sick
> Jeremy L Spence
>
>
>
>
> On May 16, 2011, at 8:21 PM, Jim Hadey wrote:
>
>>
>> @Fallen,
>>
>> Oh boy, one minute your talking about why be so
>> polite, then I say I'm glad he is off and it's my fault,
>> I'm the meanie?  It's my fault he went on and on
>> and on.  You women are not his favorite people
>> ya know.
>>
>> >>>>I did, Jeremy's strange rants were funny as
>> hell (although.. I do agree about not wanting to
>> scare off the new people..) <<<
>>
>> Well I am glad you liked them as most people,
>> boys and girls, were sick of them.  He picked a
>> fight with everyone on the forum - couldn't talk
>> to him.  I  don't want him to go away mad but
>> to just go away.  Why not write to your bud off
>> line I am sure you can find something to talk
>> about.  You can talk about his dick or his no
>> good girlfriend in high school or the crazy
>> police or the fact that 99.9999%  percent of
>> all women are bitches and hos and his no
>> good dad and his no good/then good Dr.
>> Yea, you got all kind of neat and intelligent
>> topics to choose from, lucky you.
>>
>> Oh, by the way, I do have the right to my opinion
>> and if ya don't like it I guess you'll have to lump
>> it.  Oh, it's not that bad, if you can handle Jeremy
>> you can tolerate me, or should be able to, but
>> never can tell, and it don't really matter if ya think
>> bout it.  Hey your both young.... who knows he
>> has been looking for a GF  and maybe...well
>> who knows?
>>
>> Best,
>>
>>   - JIM
>>
>> --- On Mon, 5/16/11, James Forristal <psychonaut101 at gmail.com> wrote:
>>
>> From: James Forristal <psychonaut101 at gmail.com>
>> Subject: Re: [Ibogaine] tried
>> To: "The Ibogaine List" <ibogaine at mindvox.com>
>> Date: Monday, May 16, 2011, 4:43 PM
>>
>> The aftercare comment was removed and apologizes for shortly after  
>> it was put on the forum.  A sense of entitlement coming from the  
>> shadow of superiority and laziness motivated that comment.  I'm now  
>> working to improve this aftercare and to do lower cost treatments  
>> with all the bells and whistles for those that may find it suits  
>> their needs when wanted to be detoxed.  This place has been hurting  
>> for resources for some time but it's now slowly forming into  
>> something pretty damned special.  Please be careful about the  
>> second hand information you get, it's easy to get caught up in that  
>> drama of negativity and I know you are better than that when you  
>> have your heart in tact.
>>
>> I love you,
>>
>> James
>>
>> PS.. rock out with your cock out Jeremy!
>>
>> On Mon, May 16, 2011 at 12:56 PM, fallen eden  
>> <falleneden1 at gmail.com> wrote:
>> Heh and why are we so polite here to not share the names of places  
>> that mess with people.. (Annie's first two treatments were at the  
>> same place where that last death occurred with finding the guy dead  
>> in the morning, she was there in the middle of it. [Sorry Kevin W,  
>> you were right the whole time, no harm done..].) Yeah I know but  
>> I've had SO MANY PEOPLE email me for help after having *already*  
>> gone to one of a couple places where their treatment is completely  
>> botched, and all the particular people are a bit connected, I am  
>> getting to this WTF point because someone should NOT have to look  
>> around like that so much and spend so much money for a real  
>> ibogaine treatment. I've found myself saying things like, "You mean  
>> they flooded you with a couple grams of TA for METHADONE?" or "Wait  
>> so.. The entire treatment house was EMPTY because the providers  
>> would ALL LEAVE to get stoned or something???" Aftercare houses  
>> having NO FUCKING FOOD and broken plates. What.. The fuck. Annie is  
>> very right about how low-lives gravitate to it sometimes...
>>
>> But about Jeremy, again just shut up.. He's behaved himself.. Jim,  
>> if you wanted to know why he wasn't banned for so long, it was  
>> because Patrick liked him so much, and me too.. he couldn't figure  
>> out what to do with him, didn't want to just cut the guy off like  
>> that, it's cruel.. And I guess he also liked the fucked up humor  
>> like I did, Jeremy's strange rants were funny as hell (although.. I  
>> do agree about not wanting to scare off the new people..)
>>
>> On Sun, May 1, 2011 at 8:14 PM, <cbava108 at gmail.com> wrote:
>> @Jeff G. for anyone interested Annie was treated in Baja. Should I  
>> duck now?
>>
>> On 5/1/11, Jim Hadey <jimhadey3 at yahoo.com> wrote:
>> >
>> > Jeff,
>> >
>> > You are 100% right, I should not of done it.  I
>> > guess all I can say is I am human and could
>> > not resist.  He needs someone to talk to which
>> > is why I suggest you could write to him off line
>> > and he would have a email pal.  I don't have
>> > hatred in me for Jeremy, I don't hope he gets
>> > hit by a car, I just wish he would go somewhere
>> > else and we all know people like that.
>> >
>> > Best to ya Jeff,
>> >
>> >   - JIM
>> >
>> > --- On Sat, 4/30/11, Jeff G <jeffgallop at gmail.com> wrote:
>> >
>> > From: Jeff G <jeffgallop at gmail.com>
>> > Subject: Re: [Ibogaine] tried
>> > To: "The Ibogaine List" <ibogaine at mindvox.com>
>> > Date: Saturday, April 30, 2011, 8:55 PM
>> >
>> > Jim
>> >
>> > Those were the first words I have seen from Jeremy in a long long  
>> time.
>> >
>> > And after all that time you still have so much anger left you  
>> felt the need
>> > to spank him??
>> >
>> > Never said I like the guy or anything he ever wrote just thought  
>> it cold to
>> > not simply ignore his post especially in the context it was  
>> written.
>> >
>> > Seems to have struck a nerve with you.
>> >
>> > Whatever ...
>> > On Apr 30, 2011 5:37 PM, "Jim Hadey" <jimhadey3 at yahoo.com> wrote:
>> >>
>> >> Jeff,
>> >>
>> >> I raged once in the 8 or so years I have been here.
>> >
>> >> and it was at Jeremy.  I HAVE NEVER FUCKING
>> >> NEVER REFEREED TO WOMAN AS BITCHES
>> >> AND HOS, I NEVER SAID THAT 99.9999% OF
>> >> WOMAN ARE BITCHES AND HOS, IN NICE BIG
>> >> CAPS.  I NEVER WENT RAMBLING ON FOR
>> >
>> >> PAGES TALKING ABOUT MY DICK.  I DID NOT
>> >> START A MOTHER FUCKING  FIGHT WITH
>> >> EVERY MOTHER ON THE FUCKING FORUM
>> >> INCLUDING THE MOTHER FUCKING DUDE
>> >> WHO RUNS IT.  I NEVER......AH HELL WITH YA.
>> >
>> >>
>> >> Now tell me Jeff, find once when I went on a rant.
>> >>
>> >> Read my posts and tell me when I disrespected
>> >>
>> >> anyone.  If you can not do that converse with
>> >>
>> >> someone who cares about your opinion.  Just so
>> >
>> >>
>> >> ya know your in the minority - he is a jackass for
>> >> lack of a better word.  If you like the guy so much
>> >> why not write to him off line or talk to him on the
>> >> telephone, you can ask him how he's doing.  You
>> >
>> >> can maybe Yahoo and talk to him and see him at
>> >> the same time.  Or maybe you two could share an
>> >> apartment together and you can teach him what he
>> >> needs to learn.  Looks like he forgot his mannors,
>> >
>> >> you would think he would learn some kind of
>> >> manners from the Simsons or Growing up Gotti
>> >> or maybe Family Guy or something.  Yea, you
>> >> can learn a lot from that guy.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Patrick gives the people free latitude in what they
>> >
>> >> say or talk about.  In the years I have been here
>> >> only two people were banned, one was a dummy
>> >> who answered everyone's questions wheather
>> >> they liked it or not and many were complaining.
>> >
>> >> The second was Jeremy and he should of done it
>> >> much sooner and needless to say EVERYONE
>> >> WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT JEREMY.
>> >>
>> >>   - JIM
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> --- On Sat, 4/30/11, Jeff G <jeffgallop at gmail.com> wrote:
>> >
>> >>
>> >> From: Jeff G <jeffgallop at gmail.com>
>> >> Subject: Re: [Ibogaine] tried
>> >> To: "The Ibogaine List" <ibogaine at mindvox.com>
>> >
>> >> Date: Saturday, April 30, 2011, 6:32 PM
>> >>
>> >> On Fri, Apr 29, 2011 at 11:20 AM, Jim Hadey  
>> <jimhadey3 at yahoo.com> wrote:
>> >>>>>> "I can't even type" <<<<
>> >
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Good
>> >>   - JIM
>> >>
>> >> thats so nice (not)  of you jim...was it really necessary??  
>> funny how some
>> >> folks can rant and rave all they want here, and even get  
>> encouraged to,
>> >> and others well....
>> >
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> these were the guys first words here in ages and you find it  
>> necessary to
>> >> give him a little kick while he's down....
>> >>
>> >> real kind of ya...
>> >> jeff
>> >>
>> >> On Fri, Apr 29, 2011 at 11:20 AM, Jim Hadey  
>> <jimhadey3 at yahoo.com> wrote:
>> >
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>>>>> "I can't even type" <<<<
>> >>
>> >> Good
>> >>
>> >>   - JIM
>> >>
>> >> --- On Tue, 4/19/11, Jeremy Spence <jlspence12 at gmail.com> wrote:
>> >
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> "I can't even type"
>> >> From: Jeremy Spence <jlspence12 at gmail.com>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Subject: [Ibogaine] tried
>> >> To: "Mindvox" <ibogaine at mindvox.com>
>> >
>> >> Date: Tuesday, April 19, 2011, 10:23 PM
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> I've just been detoxing
>> >>
>> >> "a lot"
>> >> I "can hardly write"
>> >>
>> >> or type
>> >>
>> >> it hurts so bad
>> >
>> >>
>> >> 15 plus dependents on "morphine like sub"
>> >>
>> >> All i can say is, "un real"
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> "I can't even type"
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Jeremy L Spence
>> >
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
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>>
>>
>>  -=[) ::::::: MindVox | Ibogaine | List Commands ::::::: (]=-
>> (][%]  :: http://mindvox.com/mailman/listinfo/ibogaine ::  [%][)
>>  -=[) :::: Change Account Settings :: [Un]Subscribe :::: (]=-
>>
>>
>>
>> -----Inline Attachment Follows-----
>>
>>
>>   -=[) ::::::: MindVox | Ibogaine | List Commands ::::::: (]=-
>> (][%]  :: http://mindvox.com/mailman/listinfo/ibogaine ::  [%][)
>>   -=[) :::: Change Account Settings :: [Un]Subscribe :::: (]=-
>>
>>  -=[) ::::::: MindVox | Ibogaine | List Commands ::::::: (]=-
>> (][%]  :: http://mindvox.com/mailman/listinfo/ibogaine ::  [%][)
>>  -=[) :::: Change Account Settings :: [Un]Subscribe :::: (]=-
>
>
> -----Inline Attachment Follows-----
>
>
>   -=[) ::::::: MindVox | Ibogaine | List Commands ::::::: (]=-
> (][%]  :: http://mindvox.com/mailman/listinfo/ibogaine ::  [%][)
>   -=[) :::: Change Account Settings :: [Un]Subscribe :::: (]=-
>
>  -=[) ::::::: MindVox | Ibogaine | List Commands ::::::: (]=-
> (][%]  :: http://mindvox.com/mailman/listinfo/ibogaine ::  [%][)
>  -=[) :::: Change Account Settings :: [Un]Subscribe :::: (]=-

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