[Ibogaine] neurosis

slowone at hush.ai slowone at hush.ai
Thu Oct 19 23:45:11 EDT 2006



On Tue, 17 Oct 2006 10:40:53 -0700 Luke Christoffersen 
<luke.christoffersen at gmail.com> wrote:
>Yeah I remember you mentioning this scene before. I don't know why
>you were told that you could not handel this.  

The message I received was that shock of seeing myself close to 
death could kill me. 

>Obviously there must be
>a huge store of trauma in that early scene.  I guess with such a 
>long labour, I don't know what doctors do in this situation but 
>it is a life and death on.
>
>Do you know anything else about your birth?  

I have a hospital record that starts at birth. No details about the 
labor or delivery. When I arrived in the nursery, someone noted 
forceps marks on head and facial paralysis, tho condition was also 
noted as satisfactory.



>I have read that in some rare cases some people have 
>actually died at birth and were resucitated and that in
>such cases in primal therapy patients are advised not to 
>try to relive this event.  Not sure what
>they were implying by this. i have spoken with one person who died 

>at birth and seems to work through birth issues.

Interesting.

>
>Otherwise I would have thought that reliving the trauma would be 
>theraputic and begin to release the stored pain. Though with such
> a long labour maybe it is so much unbearable
>pain for a person to be able to work through. I don't know if I'd 
>want to go into that.
>
>
>Also I've heard that if a person keeps trying to relive a certain 
>trauma, going down there
>but never quite reliving it the mind erects a new defence called a 

>primal defence which is much harder to get past. 

It's a comfort at times. 

>Though that is talked about in primal 
>therapy and psychedelics are a different kettle of fish.

Sounds pretty similar though.

>
>
>The scene I always return to now on higher doses of ibogaine,
>> ayahuasca and probably anything psychedelic, is an operating
>> theatre with a figure on the table bathed in white light and
>> surrounded by green-gowned doctors - it is as if I stumbled in 
>the
>> door from a party, drunkenly thinking I could straighten things
>> out. The doctors urgently tell me "You are just the ego, we are
>> keeping the real you alive here. Get out, this is not anything 
>you
>> can handle." Insofar as I have gotten a look at what is going 
>on, I
>> am trembling and blood is everywhere, and my best judgement 
>tells
>> me that I need to forget whatever else I have seen. My defenses
>> against this scene are pretty good now - on my last significant
>> ibogaine dose a few years ago, it was like a heavy iron blast 
>door
>> came sliding down as the experience started. Not much fun to 
>ride
>> out the experience locked out of oneself, but better than
>> experiencing the trauma.
>>
>> The anti-psychotic drug risperdone has been a help over the last
>> year. It lowers dopamine, flattening my hypersensitivity in a
>> variety of ways - now I can eat salmon for example, which used 
>to
>> taste too fishy. It doesn't flatten out the trauma enough to
>> confront it, but it has helped me come back to earth in a 
>variety
>> of simple ways that ibogaine and ayahuasca were unable to do.
>>
>> >
>> >I can at least have some consolation in knowing my birth was a
>> >quick
>> >one but I'm still afraid of it even though it is causing me so
>> >much
>> >misery and making life so hard at the moment it's crippling too 

>me
>>
>> >at
>> >times and led me to abusing painkillers over the past two 
>years.
>> >I've
>> >been saving up with the hopes of doing a ibogaine session which
>> >I've
>> >been thinking about for the past 4 years practically.
>> >
>> >Luke
>> >
>> >Luke
>> >
>> >On 10/15/06, slowone at hush.ai <slowone at hush.ai> wrote:
>> >> Yes, I had a forceps delivery after 18 hours of labor. I 
>think
>> >this
>> >> trauma may be what makes for impassable anxiety with larger
>> >doses
>> >> of ibogaine.
>> >>
>> >> On Sun, 15 Oct 2006 07:34:21 -0700 Luke Christoffersen
>> >> <luke.christoffersen at gmail.com> wrote:
>> >> >Hi,
>> >> >    Perhaps you failed to get out naturaly by your own at
>> >birth.
>> >> >Could you have been a forceps delivery?  I was and it seems 
>to
>> >be
>> >> >linked in to me being paralized and not so outgoing as I 
>should
>> >> >be.
>> >> >
>> >> >   I have often thought that there's no point to a career, 
>it's
>> >> >all
>> >> >hopeless. I just give up trying because I already feel so 
>deep
>> >> >down
>> >> >I''ve failed.
>> >> >
>> >> >Luke
>> >> >
>> >> >> I disappeared into books from age 5 through early 
>adulthood.
>> >In
>> >> >my
>> >> >> late teens, I had a sense that it was finally time to 
>connect
>> >> >with
>> >> >> people, to show myself and make my way in the world. I 
>soon
>> >> >found
>> >> >> that whenever I was doing something well, particularly in
>> >> >public, I
>> >> >> froze. Whenever I felt something strong in myself, fear 
>would
>> >> >> immediately eat it away. If I felt desire, I'd shut down.  

>I
>> >> >> couldn't decide what to do with my life - I hadn't asked 
>to
>> >be
>> >> >> born, so why should I choose a career? It was as if a firm
>> >> >decision
>> >> >> to live eluded me.
>> >> >>
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >  /]=--------------------------------------------------------

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