my reading list / spill it

Brad Hays bradleyheathhays at
Thu Oct 12 04:08:30 EDT 2006

Well, found my name come up in another Ibogaine discussion group where a guy
was wondering who this Brad Hays kid is anyway.   And I suppose I haven't
given much personal information about myself, but then that's probably
normal for me.  So, feeling that I'd like to stick around for a while, I
figured it's time to go ahead and spill it…my story that is.

I figure a reading list is a good a measure of character…so here's mine:

Life of Pi – Yann Martel

Siddhartha – Hermann Hesse

Invisible Landscape: Mind Hallucinogens and the I Ching – Terence and Dennis

The Prize: The Epic Quest for Oil, Money & Power – Daniel Yergin

Synchronicity – Jung

Breaking Open the Head – Daniel Pinchbeck

Brief History of Time – Hawking

Art of War – Sun Tsu

Strange Brains and Genius: The Secret Lives of Eccentric…- Clifford A.

Somewhere about six months ago my best artsy buddy shoved a book in my
hand…another by Pickover called Sex, Drugs, Einstein & Elves.   Great read,
specially the iboga and ayahuasca chaps.  Same day I find an article written
by a local social activist/attorney explaining how easy it is for any man to
become hooked on Oxycontin (which is a serious problem round here), and then
introducing a possible solution in the form of iboga.   Reading about
something called iboga twice…in the same day?…too weird.  Father Jung had
clearly shown me a path, and at that moment I decided to take it on.

For a very long time now I have been on the search for something, and what
that is would be hard to say.  Answers maybe.  Answers maybe that'd help me
put a framework around what I see happening here in the US and the world …
and in myself.  I don't understand how we've gone so far astray, and I
suppose my subconscious question has always been…and how do we get back on
track?   Along those same lines another persistent question of mine has been
how can one truly teach someone else? Or even, can it be done?  I've heard
it said by greater minds that 'wisdom cannot be taught,' which is an idea
I've reluctantly come to accept.   So when I started reading about how this
plant teaches or gives the ability of celestial wisdom, well I knew I was
going deeper in.

1995, the year my life took an unforeseen turn, when everybody else
graduated college, and with my four years put in, I didn't.   I'd run out of
money, and most importantly, had lost my ability to achieve.  I fell
completely out of the loop, and had absolutely no success at redefining
where my life was to go from there.   Looking back at the patterns in my
life, I can see clearly that it was never the events themselves that had led
me to where I was, but rather my inability to approach those 'obstacles.'   I
knew then that I had lost a very crucial part of who I was.  A calmness I
had once known was no longer there.   Although the only diagnosis I've
received is mild depression, I describe my brain like a hard drive that
seems to keep spinning even though nothing is being asked of it.  This past
year, in typical self-diagnosis fashion, I wanted to find out once and for
all if I had a touch of the ol' ADD…maybe even hoping I did…as then there
might be an answer…couple three figures later and no such luck.   If I had
to guess, I'd say I'm mildly obsessive compulsive…and fairly anxious.  I've
never felt compelled to count, wash, or self destruct, but I am certainly a
creature of habit.   Anxiety runs through my entire family; and to greater
and lesser degrees we've learned to cope with what is our lives.  We are all
what I call 'sensitives,' very aware, and over analytical.

'So what brings you here today?' as any good therapist would ask…well,
that'd be, you guessed it, my anxiety.  It's affected every aspect of my
life, and my family's lives.  Jobs, friends, relationships, relationships,
oh, and did I mention relationships.   I've basically taken myself out of
the dating scene for a number of years now because of this hole that's
developed in my self-esteem.  Something has happened where I no longer feel
free to be me.   Some type of inhibition has grown into my life which I've
yet to overcome.   And the fucked up thing is that I know I have so much
potential.   My mother (who is truly a Superwoman) raised me so right and so
open.  My values are where they should be, and I have very few hang ups
accepting people for who they are.   On the rare days when my anxiety is
gone and there is nothing left but me, I have the absolute best time with
people, with everybody.  It's so strange that I have the utmost confidence
in who I am and what I believe, but it never has the chance to come through
cause of whatever it is that's been on my back for forever now.

Just like your intestines can get a build up of junk in 'em from years of
white bread and red meat, so it seems a man's mind can get gunked up from
anxiety and bad experiences.   A brain 'reset?' as I've heard it
described…sounds so nice.  I've come to think of ibogaine as the 'across the
board multiple addiction stopper.'   The more I've come to understand my own
anxiety, the more it appears to be an addiction of a thought process, much
like a body's addiction to a drug.   My hunch is that the cause of these two
different expressions of addiction may lie in the same neurochemical
processes which ibogaine affects.  My hope is that this molecule, or an
effective derivative thereof, will be found to be medically safe and sound;
and that its widespread use brings the opportunity for a new beginning for
all those whose lives it touches.

Took a little longer than I wanted, but things always do.  But here I
am…bam…Brad Hays.   Guess I should shut up now, but I can't leave without
thanking everyone who has given their personal story, and how this treatment
has affected their life…as this is one of the few places I find genuine

Welp…thanks for tuning in,


(city lights dim as I hit the send button)
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