[Ibogaine] hurdles, emotions, not relapsings

Preston Peet ptpeet at nyc.rr.com
Wed Oct 4 19:09:13 EDT 2006


>Maybe it is time for a break and some time away from the co-dependancy
of the relationship so you can find more about  who you are. Close
relationships tend to bring out the emotions and childhood feelings
more.  I used to feel worse sometimes in a relationship and couldn't
handle the pain of rejection by someone I felt I loved. I'd end up
trying and hoping for months or more that I might get them to love me
again.<

On all points made I agree- and i empathize completely with the rest.
Seriously, I'm suddenly doing remarkably weller- though I have my utter 
black, tearjerked moments still, I also have my MUCH better moments too.
Thanks Luke.

-----
"America is not so much a nightmare as a non-dream.
The American non-dream is precisely a move to wipe
the dream out of existence.
The dream is a spontaneous happening and
therefore dangerous to a control system set up by
the non-dreamers."
William S. Burroughs
----
Peace, love, and respect,
Preston Peet

ptpeet at nyc.rr.com
Author "Something in the Way"
Editor "Underground- The Disinformation Guide to Ancient Civilizations, 
Astonishing Archeology and Hidden History"
Editor "Under the Influence- the Disinformation Guide to Drugs"
Editor http://www.drugwar.com
Cont. High Times mag/.com
Cont. Editor http://www.disinfo.com
Columnist New York Waste
Etc.

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Luke Christoffersen" <luke.christoffersen at gmail.com>
To: <ibogaine at mindvox.com>
Sent: Wednesday, October 04, 2006 4:04 PM
Subject: Re: [Ibogaine] hurdles, emotions, not relapsings


> Preston, hang in there man.  It's so unfortunate that people with such
> traumatic childhoods have such difficulties with relationships and
> keep on repeating the same old patterns.  What happened to you must
> have been truely horrific as a small child.
>
> Maybe it is time for a break and some time away from the co-dependancy
> of the relationship so you can find more about  who you are. Close
> relationships tend to bring out the emotions and childhood feelings
> more.  I used to feel worse sometimes in a relationship and couldn't
> handle the pain of rejection by someone I felt I loved. I'd end up
> trying and hoping for months or more that I might get them to love me
> again.
>
> Luke
>
> On 10/1/06, Preston Peet <ptpeet at nyc.rr.com> wrote:
>> Damn it. Break ups suck so fucking much.
>> They have to be one of the leading causes of drug abuse relapsing, if how 
>> I
>> feel almost all day every fucking day is any indication.
>> That's not to say I am relapsing, I'm not, as amazed as I myself am at
>> finding this.
>> My resolve seems so cemented as of late, but still, my heart fucking 
>> hurts
>> so damned much, and we (V and I) have pretty damned near completely lost 
>> the
>> ability to really communicate with one another, after a ten year run. How
>> the fuck that can happen to two people who have always spoken of
>> "unconditional" love (a fucking illusion if there even was one I've 
>> finally
>> realized, no matter how happy I can be for however long- it's NEVER going 
>> to
>> last)?
>> I would take all the blame and say it was my drug abuse patterns that 
>> lead
>> to this, but interestingly, I do not (personally) think this is the 
>> entire
>> story.
>> It appears to me that V is a bit upset that I have managed to accomplish 
>> a
>> few things, at least, accomplish things I set out to accomplish and
>> succeeded in doing so, even though of the two of us I'm the "fuck-up." 
>> This,
>> I theorize anyway, has left her with this feeling of frustration and 
>> anger,
>> since she is not a fuck-up (according to the "normal" definition I 
>> suppose)
>> and yet is reaching an age in her life where she feels she should be 
>> doing
>> more/already have been doing more with her life and hasn't managed to. 
>> Yet
>> she sees me, the freakouter, really doing things and it bothers the hell 
>> out
>> of her.
>> I guess.
>> I mean, yes, my drug abuse was NOT a help at all, and if I
>> could/shoulda/woulda go back and do it differently, I'd LIKE to think I
>> would. But would I? Didn't I know exactly where I was going to end up by
>> fucking up as I did? So if that's true, why the hell does it hurt so much
>> when it actually happens? And would things really have turned out
>> differently had I not gone that route to begin with? Isn't it entirely
>> possible she'd have reached a point where she felt she had to be her own
>> seperate person unrelationshipped on her own without my doing anything
>> "wrong" anyway?
>> Anyway, despite all this pain and heartache, I'm still managing, through 
>> all
>> the roller-coaster ride of emotions and sadness (tears come pouring outta 
>> me
>> out of fucking nowhere all too often, as do stupid freakin' fights and
>> arguments with V), to maintain my resolve at not taking out my sadness 
>> and
>> frustration on myself in negative fashion, prefering to simply keep 
>> plodding
>> ahead now. It's really weird, but why is it almost always when it's too
>> damned late to really keep/attain those things I really want once I 
>> manage
>> to reach a stage where it WOULD be possible if it weren't too damned 
>> late?
>> And how much of these feelings are "addiction" to the relationship 
>> itself? I
>> admit to having serious abandonment issues (taken out of a family at the 
>> age
>> of five when they'd "adopted" me at three- the mom of the family telling 
>> me
>> the night before I was taken away by a social worker that, "hey, we just
>> can't keep you Preston, so you're leaving tomorrow, and good luck in 
>> life,"
>> then getting kicked out of my next adopted family's house half way 
>> through
>> my last year of high school, and then having a variety of relationships 
>> fail
>> too), and all these events in my life have all put a great big dent in me 
>> in
>> ways I find hard to explain but am totally aware of and consciously fear,
>> and have in turn themselves lead me to taking out my
>> frustrations/fears/anger/sadness on myself- always a stupid idea but one 
>> I'm
>> pretty good at, or at least always was pretty good at.
>> I seriously wonder how much my taking ibogaine is helping me right now. I
>> honestly am going through a very strange and unsettled time and really do
>> think a lot about just taking a fucking leap out my window at my blacker
>> moments, when I realize that once again I've somehow reached a stage in a
>> relationship where it doesn't appear I'll ever be able to fix it or get 
>> to a
>> better stage again, that my "other half" has thrown in the towel- and it
>> fucking hurts sooooo much, sooooo deeply.
>> But I'm not abusively using in the slightest, still taking the barest
>> minimum of painkillers to help me deal with physical pain- not once 
>> picking
>> up even one extra pill or a rig since this "we are not a couple" decision
>> was reached by V, and my own hesitant on again/off again agreement to 
>> this
>> took place. I just can't do that to myself anymore, it has made things 
>> that
>> much harder than they ever need to be. I think I've finally reached that
>> place where the fatigue and sadness is just too damned much to take and 
>> too
>> counterproductive to where I want to be.
>> Damn it, I'm just venting cause I feel so fucking bad, and don't go (nor 
>> do
>> I want to go) to meetings or a shrink or really anywhere where I want to, 
>> or
>> even could really, open up like this to people. I'd rather just pretend
>> everything is cool, but can't even manage to do that all the time- 
>> finding
>> myself babbling at people who probably couldn't care less all too often 
>> too
>> or at friends who've already heard about it- but not nearly to the extent 
>> I
>> am here now.
>> I guess I just needed to get this off my chest in some manner.
>> It's such a gorgeous day today, and I went out all night to a
>> goth/industrial/fetish all night "rave" of sorts last night with 
>> literally
>> hundreds, if not a couple thousand dark, droopy gothy people (felt like
>> heaven at times, helped by a small dose of shrooms- LOL! At least, when I
>> wasn't suddenly find myself verging on feeling irritated or sad and would
>> have to force myself to stop doing it to myself, to keep my happy mask on
>> and not let on that I feel so fucking awful inside- and I can't help but
>> think this must radiate out to any and all around me, particularly the
>> opposite sex, despite how my friends all tell me how well I'm handling
>> things- which is a fucking laugh even if true to a degree), practicing 
>> being
>> single because I keep thinking this might help, if I find someone to
>> distract me for even just one night, and give me a different perspective 
>> on
>> things and help me feel less ugly/loser/pathetic, particularly since
>> recently finding out V did it to me to various degrees more than once 
>> over
>> the past year and a half- and the only freakin' people who approached me 
>> to
>> compliment/hit on/talk to me, for the most part anyway, were men- What 
>> the
>> hell is that all about? On the other hand it seemed like any woman I was
>> even slightly interested in approaching or did approach to talk to had a
>> freakin' boyfriend with them (which only helped me feel worse, seeing all
>> these happy loving dancing fucking couples, when I can't even reach out 
>> to
>> touch the woman I love nor go out with her more than once in a blue moon 
>> in
>> public because it's just to painful for us both).  I am so lonely and mad 
>> at
>> myself AND at her.
>> blah fucking blah.
>> Sorry to clog these two lists with this crap, but I hurt and don't want 
>> to
>> add to it by screwing myself over with more self-abuse. So I'm trying out
>> the "talking" thing with people who can chose to delete this if they 
>> don't
>> feel like listening/reading rather than doing it out loud to some friend
>> who's already heard it more than thrice recently.
>> Nice day/night to all.
>>
>> -----
>> "America is not so much a nightmare as a non-dream.
>> The American non-dream is precisely a move to wipe
>> the dream out of existence.
>> The dream is a spontaneous happening and
>> therefore dangerous to a control system set up by
>> the non-dreamers."
>> William S. Burroughs
>> ----
>> Peace, love, and respect,
>> Preston
>>
>> ptpeet at nyc.rr.com
>> Author "Something in the Way"
>> Editor "Underground- The Disinformation Guide to Ancient Civilizations,
>> Astonishing Archeology and Hidden History"
>> Editor "Under the Influence- the Disinformation Guide to Drugs"
>> Editor http://www.drugwar.com
>> Cont. High Times mag/.com
>> Cont. Editor http://www.disinfo.com
>> Columnist New York Waste
>> Etc.
>>
>>
>>
>> 
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