[Ibogaine] hurdles, emotions, not relapsings

Luke Christoffersen luke.christoffersen at gmail.com
Wed Oct 4 16:04:52 EDT 2006

Preston, hang in there man.  It's so unfortunate that people with such
traumatic childhoods have such difficulties with relationships and
keep on repeating the same old patterns.  What happened to you must
have been truely horrific as a small child.

Maybe it is time for a break and some time away from the co-dependancy
of the relationship so you can find more about  who you are. Close
relationships tend to bring out the emotions and childhood feelings
more.  I used to feel worse sometimes in a relationship and couldn't
handle the pain of rejection by someone I felt I loved. I'd end up
trying and hoping for months or more that I might get them to love me


On 10/1/06, Preston Peet <ptpeet at nyc.rr.com> wrote:
> Damn it. Break ups suck so fucking much.
> They have to be one of the leading causes of drug abuse relapsing, if how I
> feel almost all day every fucking day is any indication.
> That's not to say I am relapsing, I'm not, as amazed as I myself am at
> finding this.
> My resolve seems so cemented as of late, but still, my heart fucking hurts
> so damned much, and we (V and I) have pretty damned near completely lost the
> ability to really communicate with one another, after a ten year run. How
> the fuck that can happen to two people who have always spoken of
> "unconditional" love (a fucking illusion if there even was one I've finally
> realized, no matter how happy I can be for however long- it's NEVER going to
> last)?
> I would take all the blame and say it was my drug abuse patterns that lead
> to this, but interestingly, I do not (personally) think this is the entire
> story.
> It appears to me that V is a bit upset that I have managed to accomplish a
> few things, at least, accomplish things I set out to accomplish and
> succeeded in doing so, even though of the two of us I'm the "fuck-up." This,
> I theorize anyway, has left her with this feeling of frustration and anger,
> since she is not a fuck-up (according to the "normal" definition I suppose)
> and yet is reaching an age in her life where she feels she should be doing
> more/already have been doing more with her life and hasn't managed to. Yet
> she sees me, the freakouter, really doing things and it bothers the hell out
> of her.
> I guess.
> I mean, yes, my drug abuse was NOT a help at all, and if I
> could/shoulda/woulda go back and do it differently, I'd LIKE to think I
> would. But would I? Didn't I know exactly where I was going to end up by
> fucking up as I did? So if that's true, why the hell does it hurt so much
> when it actually happens? And would things really have turned out
> differently had I not gone that route to begin with? Isn't it entirely
> possible she'd have reached a point where she felt she had to be her own
> seperate person unrelationshipped on her own without my doing anything
> "wrong" anyway?
> Anyway, despite all this pain and heartache, I'm still managing, through all
> the roller-coaster ride of emotions and sadness (tears come pouring outta me
> out of fucking nowhere all too often, as do stupid freakin' fights and
> arguments with V), to maintain my resolve at not taking out my sadness and
> frustration on myself in negative fashion, prefering to simply keep plodding
> ahead now. It's really weird, but why is it almost always when it's too
> damned late to really keep/attain those things I really want once I manage
> to reach a stage where it WOULD be possible if it weren't too damned late?
> And how much of these feelings are "addiction" to the relationship itself? I
> admit to having serious abandonment issues (taken out of a family at the age
> of five when they'd "adopted" me at three- the mom of the family telling me
> the night before I was taken away by a social worker that, "hey, we just
> can't keep you Preston, so you're leaving tomorrow, and good luck in life,"
> then getting kicked out of my next adopted family's house half way through
> my last year of high school, and then having a variety of relationships fail
> too), and all these events in my life have all put a great big dent in me in
> ways I find hard to explain but am totally aware of and consciously fear,
> and have in turn themselves lead me to taking out my
> frustrations/fears/anger/sadness on myself- always a stupid idea but one I'm
> pretty good at, or at least always was pretty good at.
> I seriously wonder how much my taking ibogaine is helping me right now. I
> honestly am going through a very strange and unsettled time and really do
> think a lot about just taking a fucking leap out my window at my blacker
> moments, when I realize that once again I've somehow reached a stage in a
> relationship where it doesn't appear I'll ever be able to fix it or get to a
> better stage again, that my "other half" has thrown in the towel- and it
> fucking hurts sooooo much, sooooo deeply.
> But I'm not abusively using in the slightest, still taking the barest
> minimum of painkillers to help me deal with physical pain- not once picking
> up even one extra pill or a rig since this "we are not a couple" decision
> was reached by V, and my own hesitant on again/off again agreement to this
> took place. I just can't do that to myself anymore, it has made things that
> much harder than they ever need to be. I think I've finally reached that
> place where the fatigue and sadness is just too damned much to take and too
> counterproductive to where I want to be.
> Damn it, I'm just venting cause I feel so fucking bad, and don't go (nor do
> I want to go) to meetings or a shrink or really anywhere where I want to, or
> even could really, open up like this to people. I'd rather just pretend
> everything is cool, but can't even manage to do that all the time- finding
> myself babbling at people who probably couldn't care less all too often too
> or at friends who've already heard about it- but not nearly to the extent I
> am here now.
> I guess I just needed to get this off my chest in some manner.
> It's such a gorgeous day today, and I went out all night to a
> goth/industrial/fetish all night "rave" of sorts last night with literally
> hundreds, if not a couple thousand dark, droopy gothy people (felt like
> heaven at times, helped by a small dose of shrooms- LOL! At least, when I
> wasn't suddenly find myself verging on feeling irritated or sad and would
> have to force myself to stop doing it to myself, to keep my happy mask on
> and not let on that I feel so fucking awful inside- and I can't help but
> think this must radiate out to any and all around me, particularly the
> opposite sex, despite how my friends all tell me how well I'm handling
> things- which is a fucking laugh even if true to a degree), practicing being
> single because I keep thinking this might help, if I find someone to
> distract me for even just one night, and give me a different perspective on
> things and help me feel less ugly/loser/pathetic, particularly since
> recently finding out V did it to me to various degrees more than once over
> the past year and a half- and the only freakin' people who approached me to
> compliment/hit on/talk to me, for the most part anyway, were men- What the
> hell is that all about? On the other hand it seemed like any woman I was
> even slightly interested in approaching or did approach to talk to had a
> freakin' boyfriend with them (which only helped me feel worse, seeing all
> these happy loving dancing fucking couples, when I can't even reach out to
> touch the woman I love nor go out with her more than once in a blue moon in
> public because it's just to painful for us both).  I am so lonely and mad at
> myself AND at her.
> blah fucking blah.
> Sorry to clog these two lists with this crap, but I hurt and don't want to
> add to it by screwing myself over with more self-abuse. So I'm trying out
> the "talking" thing with people who can chose to delete this if they don't
> feel like listening/reading rather than doing it out loud to some friend
> who's already heard it more than thrice recently.
> Nice day/night to all.
> -----
> "America is not so much a nightmare as a non-dream.
> The American non-dream is precisely a move to wipe
> the dream out of existence.
> The dream is a spontaneous happening and
> therefore dangerous to a control system set up by
> the non-dreamers."
> William S. Burroughs
> ----
> Peace, love, and respect,
> Preston
> ptpeet at nyc.rr.com
> Author "Something in the Way"
> Editor "Underground- The Disinformation Guide to Ancient Civilizations,
> Astonishing Archeology and Hidden History"
> Editor "Under the Influence- the Disinformation Guide to Drugs"
> Editor http://www.drugwar.com
> Cont. High Times mag/.com
> Cont. Editor http://www.disinfo.com
> Columnist New York Waste
> Etc.
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