[Ibogaine] hurdles, emotions, not relapsings

Krista Vaughan krista.vaughan at gmail.com
Mon Oct 2 21:54:56 EDT 2006


Whatever happens Preston, you are loved and respected :-)

KV

On 10/2/06, Preston Peet <ptpeet at nyc.rr.com> wrote:
> First of all, to both Krista and Kirk, your advice about letting go, not
> holding on so tightly that I drive her further away and into further
> resentments was very good advice- but it's much easier to write/say that
> than do, though I am working very hard at doing so (hence my going out as
> much as possible, so I'm not dwelling on the bull here in the apartment all
> the time).
> As noted, while I see (and have previously experienced waaay more than once)
> how this sort of confusion and pain can lead to relapse, I'm doing very well
> in that regard, and one minute/hour/day at a time I'll continue to do so.
> To Chris C., who forwarded those conversations- thanks.
> Libby, thanks for the supportive and kind words- and hey, older women are
> simplyl more experienced darling. So hit away.
> ;-0))))
> (Just kidding. Unless of course you feel like doing so, though I don't think
> at this point we'd get too far- LOL!)
> Vig- what the heck do you think I'm trying to do going out all the time now?
> Again, LOL!
> Randy, I can't decide if ibogaine has a single thing to do with how I'm
> processing this whole thing, but I can't say it's not either. Thanks for the
> cool lyrics.
> Steve, who wrote in part >If today is going to suck inside my head and
> heart, it's going to be totally self-inflicted.  THEY don't get to have a
> say.  And today I choose
> healthy sorrow/pain/anger in place of the same group while nodding.<
> Hear, hear! Thanks.
> Becky, I honely am trying to focus on the self-loving kindness thing, to the
> extent I'm capable right now.
> Jason, I don't have a PO box, sorry. I hear you on the "learning how to
> flirt, meet new people asa 'single'" and etc. Adapting better, while
> difficult, is something I'm also working hard on.
> Fran, I like the "howl at the harvest moon idea too- I'd already been
> thinking a lot about that moon (the day right after V's birthday
> interestingly enough) and howling at it sounds like a fine idea. And, I
> truely appreciate your off-list message too.
> Lee, thanks for reminding me that I do have a lot to be thankful for. I try
> to avoid the pride thing, but I suppose considering how often lately I've
> been feeling like a loser fuckup, it's good to keep in mind some of my
> accomplishments.
> Tim, I noticed your resubscribe request, and wanted to publicly welcome you
> back to the list. Good to see you around again, and I look forward to your
> future posts.
> I too have noticed there've been waaaay many breakups this summer, of couple
> besides mine I'd never have expected to end to be honest, or at least not in
> the fashion they seem to be ending/have ended. It's been a very, very, very
> weird summer, full of tension and stress for many of us. Hopefully things
> will be moving into fresher places, as Chris points out, now that Fall is
> upon us. And I love the Fall/Winter seasons, my favorite times of the year-
> except when I can walk around nearly naked (well, not really, just not
> wearing much) soaking up rays. (Oh, and Chris, why do you say I was
> "yelling"? I WAS NOT YELLING DAMNIT!!!! LOL!)
> So again, thanks for everyone who wrote such supportive or simply honest
> replies to my depressing post. I go up and down pretty drastically, feeling
> balanced and coping well at time and other times feel totally overwhelmed.
> Therefore, I'm glad I went ahead and posted something publicly. I needed the
> variety of feedback from folk totally outside of my relationship.
>
> -----
> "America is not so much a nightmare as a non-dream.
> The American non-dream is precisely a move to wipe
> the dream out of existence.
> The dream is a spontaneous happening and
> therefore dangerous to a control system set up by
> the non-dreamers."
> William S. Burroughs
> ----
> Peace, love, and respect,
> Preston
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Krista Vaughan" <krista.vaughan at gmail.com>
> To: <ibogaine at mindvox.com>
> Sent: Sunday, October 01, 2006 10:12 PM
> Subject: Re: Re: [Ibogaine] hurdles, emotions, not relapsings
>
>
> > Hi Preston, my heart goes out to you but I too have to agree with
> > kirk's sentiments. Maybe it is time for both of you to move on, let
> > her go. 10 years is a long time and if the two of you aren't going in
> > the same direction anymore, you're setting yourself and V up for a lot
> > of pain and heartache and giving yourself a lot of opportunities to
> > really beat yourself up and relapse, almost daily.
> >
> > Lot of respect for choosing the keyboard instead of a rig. If you need
> > to talk then please do, I think that's one of the reasons that here
> > even exists, it's eaisier somehow or if you need to talk privately
> > please send me an email, don't hurt yourself over something you can't
> > change. Let her go.
> >
> > KV
> >
> > On 10/1/06, captkirk at kol.co.nz <captkirk at kol.co.nz> wrote:
> >> Bugger PP wish I could get to NYC but not this trip.... next time...
> >> But sending you lighthearted energies.
> >> Maybe you could look at this as... you've outgrown eachother, learnt
> >> what you can from eachother.... there's someone else coming along with
> >> new energy for you cos you're in a new phase of your life. People turn
> >> up when we need them, but if we're holding on too hard to the old and
> >> the past, we may just miss em... and what they have to give us....
> >> Take a deep breath, wish V the best on her journey, and let her go.....
> >> much love n hugs
> >> Koiky xxx
> >>
> >> Quoting Preston Peet <ptpeet at nyc.rr.com>:
> >>
> >> > Damn it. Break ups suck so fucking much.
> >> > They have to be one of the leading causes of drug abuse relapsing, if
> >> > how I feel almost all day every fucking day is any indication.
> >> > That's not to say I am relapsing, I'm not, as amazed as I myself am at
> >> > finding this.
> >> > My resolve seems so cemented as of late, but still, my heart fucking
> >> > hurts so damned much, and we (V and I) have pretty damned near
> >> > completely lost the ability to really communicate with one another,
> >> > after a ten year run. How the fuck that can happen to two people who
> >> > have always spoken of "unconditional" love (a fucking illusion if there
> >> > even was one I've finally realized, no matter how happy I can be for
> >> > however long- it's NEVER going to last)?
> >> > I would take all the blame and say it was my drug abuse patterns that
> >> > lead to this, but interestingly, I do not (personally) think this is
> >> > the entire story.
> >> > It appears to me that V is a bit upset that I have managed to
> >> > accomplish a few things, at least, accomplish things I set out to
> >> > accomplish and succeeded in doing so, even though of the two of us I'm
> >> > the "fuck-up." This, I theorize anyway, has left her with this feeling
> >> > of frustration and anger, since she is not a fuck-up (according to the
> >> > "normal" definition I suppose) and yet is reaching an age in her life
> >> > where she feels she should be doing more/already have been doing more
> >> > with her life and hasn't managed to. Yet she sees me, the freakouter,
> >> > really doing things and it bothers the hell out of her.
> >> > I guess.
> >> > I mean, yes, my drug abuse was NOT a help at all, and if I
> >> > could/shoulda/woulda go back and do it differently, I'd LIKE to think I
> >> > would. But would I? Didn't I know exactly where I was going to end up
> >> > by fucking up as I did? So if that's true, why the hell does it hurt so
> >> > much when it actually happens? And would things really have turned out
> >> > differently had I not gone that route to begin with? Isn't it entirely
> >> > possible she'd have reached a point where she felt she had to be her
> >> > own seperate person unrelationshipped on her own without my doing
> >> > anything "wrong" anyway?
> >> > Anyway, despite all this pain and heartache, I'm still managing,
> >> > through all the roller-coaster ride of emotions and sadness (tears come
> >> > pouring outta me out of fucking nowhere all too often, as do stupid
> >> > freakin' fights and arguments with V), to maintain my resolve at not
> >> > taking out my sadness and frustration on myself in negative fashion,
> >> > prefering to simply keep plodding ahead now. It's really weird, but why
> >> > is it almost always when it's too damned late to really keep/attain
> >> > those things I really want once I manage to reach a stage where it
> >> > WOULD be possible if it weren't too damned late?
> >> > And how much of these feelings are "addiction" to the relationship
> >> > itself? I admit to having serious abandonment issues (taken out of a
> >> > family at the age of five when they'd "adopted" me at three- the mom of
> >> > the family telling me the night before I was taken away by a social
> >> > worker that, "hey, we just can't keep you Preston, so you're leaving
> >> > tomorrow, and good luck in life," then getting kicked out of my next
> >> > adopted family's house half way through my last year of high school,
> >> > and then having a variety of relationships fail too), and all these
> >> > events in my life have all put a great big dent in me in ways I find
> >> > hard to explain but am totally aware of and consciously fear, and have
> >> > in turn themselves lead me to taking out my
> >> > frustrations/fears/anger/sadness on myself- always a stupid idea but
> >> > one I'm pretty good at, or at least always was pretty good at.
> >> > I seriously wonder how much my taking ibogaine is helping me right now.
> >> > I honestly am going through a very strange and unsettled time and
> >> > really do think a lot about just taking a fucking leap out my window at
> >> > my blacker moments, when I realize that once again I've somehow reached
> >> > a stage in a relationship where it doesn't appear I'll ever be able to
> >> > fix it or get to a better stage again, that my "other half" has thrown
> >> > in the towel- and it fucking hurts sooooo much, sooooo deeply.
> >> > But I'm not abusively using in the slightest, still taking the barest
> >> > minimum of painkillers to help me deal with physical pain- not once
> >> > picking up even one extra pill or a rig since this "we are not a
> >> > couple" decision was reached by V, and my own hesitant on again/off
> >> > again agreement to this took place. I just can't do that to myself
> >> > anymore, it has made things that much harder than they ever need to be.
> >> > I think I've finally reached that place where the fatigue and sadness
> >> > is just too damned much to take and too counterproductive to where I
> >> > want to be.
> >> > Damn it, I'm just venting cause I feel so fucking bad, and don't go
> >> > (nor do I want to go) to meetings or a shrink or really anywhere where
> >> > I want to, or even could really, open up like this to people. I'd
> >> > rather just pretend everything is cool, but can't even manage to do
> >> > that all the time- finding myself babbling at people who probably
> >> > couldn't care less all too often too or at friends who've already heard
> >> > about it- but not nearly to the extent I am here now.
> >> > I guess I just needed to get this off my chest in some manner.
> >> > It's such a gorgeous day today, and I went out all night to a
> >> > goth/industrial/fetish all night "rave" of sorts last night with
> >> > literally hundreds, if not a couple thousand dark, droopy gothy people
> >> > (felt like heaven at times, helped by a small dose of shrooms- LOL! At
> >> > least, when I wasn't suddenly find myself verging on feeling irritated
> >> > or sad and would have to force myself to stop doing it to myself, to
> >> > keep my happy mask on and not let on that I feel so fucking awful
> >> > inside- and I can't help but think this must radiate out to any and all
> >> > around me, particularly the opposite sex, despite how my friends all
> >> > tell me how well I'm handling things- which is a fucking laugh even if
> >> > true to a degree), practicing being single because I keep thinking this
> >> > might help, if I find someone to distract me for even just one night,
> >> > and give me a different perspective on things and help me feel less
> >> > ugly/loser/pathetic, particularly since recently finding out V did it
> >> > to me to various degrees more than once over the past year and a half-
> >> > and the only freakin' people who approached me to compliment/hit
> >> > on/talk to me, for the most part anyway, were men- What the hell is
> >> > that all about? On the other hand it seemed like any woman I was even
> >> > slightly interested in approaching or did approach to talk to had a
> >> > freakin' boyfriend with them (which only helped me feel worse, seeing
> >> > all these happy loving dancing fucking couples, when I can't even reach
> >> > out to touch the woman I love nor go out with her more than once in a
> >> > blue moon in public because it's just to painful for us both).  I am so
> >> > lonely and mad at myself AND at her.
> >> > blah fucking blah.
> >> > Sorry to clog these two lists with this crap, but I hurt and don't want
> >> > to add to it by screwing myself over with more self-abuse. So I'm
> >> > trying out the "talking" thing with people who can chose to delete this
> >> > if they don't feel like listening/reading rather than doing it out loud
> >> > to some friend who's already heard it more than thrice recently.
> >> > Nice day/night to all.
> >> >
> >> > -----
> >> > "America is not so much a nightmare as a non-dream.
> >> > The American non-dream is precisely a move to wipe
> >> > the dream out of existence.
> >> > The dream is a spontaneous happening and
> >> > therefore dangerous to a control system set up by
> >> > the non-dreamers."
> >> > William S. Burroughs
> >> > ----
> >> > Peace, love, and respect,
> >> > Preston
> >> >
> >> > ptpeet at nyc.rr.com
> >> > Author "Something in the Way"
> >> > Editor "Underground- The Disinformation Guide to Ancient Civilizations,
> >> > Astonishing Archeology and Hidden History"
> >> > Editor "Under the Influence- the Disinformation Guide to Drugs"
> >> > Editor http://www.drugwar.com
> >> > Cont. High Times mag/.com
> >> > Cont. Editor http://www.disinfo.com
> >> > Columnist New York Waste
> >> > Etc.
> >> > /]=---------------------------------------------------------------------=[\
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> >>
> >>
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