[Ibogaine] hurdles, emotions, not relapsings

captkirk at kol.co.nz captkirk at kol.co.nz
Sun Oct 1 21:20:00 EDT 2006


Bugger PP wish I could get to NYC but not this trip.... next time...
But sending you lighthearted energies.
Maybe you could look at this as... you've outgrown eachother, learnt  
what you can from eachother.... there's someone else coming along with  
new energy for you cos you're in a new phase of your life. People turn  
up when we need them, but if we're holding on too hard to the old and  
the past, we may just miss em... and what they have to give us....
Take a deep breath, wish V the best on her journey, and let her go.....
much love n hugs
Koiky xxx

Quoting Preston Peet <ptpeet at nyc.rr.com>:

> Damn it. Break ups suck so fucking much.
> They have to be one of the leading causes of drug abuse relapsing, if
> how I feel almost all day every fucking day is any indication.
> That's not to say I am relapsing, I'm not, as amazed as I myself am at
> finding this.
> My resolve seems so cemented as of late, but still, my heart fucking
> hurts so damned much, and we (V and I) have pretty damned near
> completely lost the ability to really communicate with one another,
> after a ten year run. How the fuck that can happen to two people who
> have always spoken of "unconditional" love (a fucking illusion if there
> even was one I've finally realized, no matter how happy I can be for
> however long- it's NEVER going to last)?
> I would take all the blame and say it was my drug abuse patterns that
> lead to this, but interestingly, I do not (personally) think this is
> the entire story.
> It appears to me that V is a bit upset that I have managed to
> accomplish a few things, at least, accomplish things I set out to
> accomplish and succeeded in doing so, even though of the two of us I'm
> the "fuck-up." This, I theorize anyway, has left her with this feeling
> of frustration and anger, since she is not a fuck-up (according to the
> "normal" definition I suppose) and yet is reaching an age in her life
> where she feels she should be doing more/already have been doing more
> with her life and hasn't managed to. Yet she sees me, the freakouter,
> really doing things and it bothers the hell out of her.
> I guess.
> I mean, yes, my drug abuse was NOT a help at all, and if I
> could/shoulda/woulda go back and do it differently, I'd LIKE to think I
> would. But would I? Didn't I know exactly where I was going to end up
> by fucking up as I did? So if that's true, why the hell does it hurt so
> much when it actually happens? And would things really have turned out
> differently had I not gone that route to begin with? Isn't it entirely
> possible she'd have reached a point where she felt she had to be her
> own seperate person unrelationshipped on her own without my doing
> anything "wrong" anyway?
> Anyway, despite all this pain and heartache, I'm still managing,
> through all the roller-coaster ride of emotions and sadness (tears come
> pouring outta me out of fucking nowhere all too often, as do stupid
> freakin' fights and arguments with V), to maintain my resolve at not
> taking out my sadness and frustration on myself in negative fashion,
> prefering to simply keep plodding ahead now. It's really weird, but why
> is it almost always when it's too damned late to really keep/attain
> those things I really want once I manage to reach a stage where it
> WOULD be possible if it weren't too damned late?
> And how much of these feelings are "addiction" to the relationship
> itself? I admit to having serious abandonment issues (taken out of a
> family at the age of five when they'd "adopted" me at three- the mom of
> the family telling me the night before I was taken away by a social
> worker that, "hey, we just can't keep you Preston, so you're leaving
> tomorrow, and good luck in life," then getting kicked out of my next
> adopted family's house half way through my last year of high school,
> and then having a variety of relationships fail too), and all these
> events in my life have all put a great big dent in me in ways I find
> hard to explain but am totally aware of and consciously fear, and have
> in turn themselves lead me to taking out my
> frustrations/fears/anger/sadness on myself- always a stupid idea but
> one I'm pretty good at, or at least always was pretty good at.
> I seriously wonder how much my taking ibogaine is helping me right now.
> I honestly am going through a very strange and unsettled time and
> really do think a lot about just taking a fucking leap out my window at
> my blacker moments, when I realize that once again I've somehow reached
> a stage in a relationship where it doesn't appear I'll ever be able to
> fix it or get to a better stage again, that my "other half" has thrown
> in the towel- and it fucking hurts sooooo much, sooooo deeply.
> But I'm not abusively using in the slightest, still taking the barest
> minimum of painkillers to help me deal with physical pain- not once
> picking up even one extra pill or a rig since this "we are not a
> couple" decision was reached by V, and my own hesitant on again/off
> again agreement to this took place. I just can't do that to myself
> anymore, it has made things that much harder than they ever need to be.
> I think I've finally reached that place where the fatigue and sadness
> is just too damned much to take and too counterproductive to where I
> want to be.
> Damn it, I'm just venting cause I feel so fucking bad, and don't go
> (nor do I want to go) to meetings or a shrink or really anywhere where
> I want to, or even could really, open up like this to people. I'd
> rather just pretend everything is cool, but can't even manage to do
> that all the time- finding myself babbling at people who probably
> couldn't care less all too often too or at friends who've already heard
> about it- but not nearly to the extent I am here now.
> I guess I just needed to get this off my chest in some manner.
> It's such a gorgeous day today, and I went out all night to a
> goth/industrial/fetish all night "rave" of sorts last night with
> literally hundreds, if not a couple thousand dark, droopy gothy people
> (felt like heaven at times, helped by a small dose of shrooms- LOL! At
> least, when I wasn't suddenly find myself verging on feeling irritated
> or sad and would have to force myself to stop doing it to myself, to
> keep my happy mask on and not let on that I feel so fucking awful
> inside- and I can't help but think this must radiate out to any and all
> around me, particularly the opposite sex, despite how my friends all
> tell me how well I'm handling things- which is a fucking laugh even if
> true to a degree), practicing being single because I keep thinking this
> might help, if I find someone to distract me for even just one night,
> and give me a different perspective on things and help me feel less
> ugly/loser/pathetic, particularly since recently finding out V did it
> to me to various degrees more than once over the past year and a half-
> and the only freakin' people who approached me to compliment/hit
> on/talk to me, for the most part anyway, were men- What the hell is
> that all about? On the other hand it seemed like any woman I was even
> slightly interested in approaching or did approach to talk to had a
> freakin' boyfriend with them (which only helped me feel worse, seeing
> all these happy loving dancing fucking couples, when I can't even reach
> out to touch the woman I love nor go out with her more than once in a
> blue moon in public because it's just to painful for us both).  I am so
> lonely and mad at myself AND at her.
> blah fucking blah.
> Sorry to clog these two lists with this crap, but I hurt and don't want
> to add to it by screwing myself over with more self-abuse. So I'm
> trying out the "talking" thing with people who can chose to delete this
> if they don't feel like listening/reading rather than doing it out loud
> to some friend who's already heard it more than thrice recently.
> Nice day/night to all.
>
> -----
> "America is not so much a nightmare as a non-dream.
> The American non-dream is precisely a move to wipe
> the dream out of existence.
> The dream is a spontaneous happening and
> therefore dangerous to a control system set up by
> the non-dreamers."
> William S. Burroughs
> ----
> Peace, love, and respect,
> Preston
>
> ptpeet at nyc.rr.com
> Author "Something in the Way"
> Editor "Underground- The Disinformation Guide to Ancient Civilizations,
> Astonishing Archeology and Hidden History"
> Editor "Under the Influence- the Disinformation Guide to Drugs"
> Editor http://www.drugwar.com
> Cont. High Times mag/.com
> Cont. Editor http://www.disinfo.com
> Columnist New York Waste
> Etc.
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