Biscuitboy, writing, and healing

tink tinkerbell.sarah at
Mon Mar 6 10:56:51 EST 2006

Hi all, howzit going? It's been a pretty volatile 36 hours, and I had
to chime in here and say something after reading all of the responses
to Randy. First off, you know I love you , Biscuitboy, and will always
be here if you need me, and I'm pretty sure that everyone who knows
you will agree on that.  This forum allows for unconditional cyber
love and a place to do exactly what Patrick said (HI PAT!!)- write,
rant, rave, piss in the wind, moan, convulse, laugh, cry, and work on
that aneurysm when it all freaks you out.  Utilize it with care and
love, and you'll get it in return.  PLEASE write more and get it out
of you before you let it poison you again!
And now for the "However"...
After the conversations that we've had over the last 2 days, the very
frightening suicidal message you left on my phone, the threats of
violence that were thrown out in a very real manner, and the explosive
nature of your anger, I am incredibly concerned about where you're at
and what you're planning on doing about it.
I've known you for a little while now and have seen you struggling
with the same cyclical self-destruction we all share, to some extent. 
It's what you do about it that's frightening me, your mom, your son,
and those of us who have gotten to know and care for you.  From what
you said last night, you don't remember a lot of what you said and
did, but that doesn't make it any less real to those of us who were on
the receiving end.  I (we) didn't know whether or not I was going to
get another one of those lovely calls in the middle of the night, and
it was very hard to be that helpless.  It has helped me to better
understand what I put my friends and family through, however, and
given me a greater insight to how I am behaving today.
None of us is perfect, and I've been known to relapse quite a bit: I
can't say that it won't happen in the future: but I've also found that
it's happened less and less frequently the more I think things through
from beginning to end.  I've had to learn how to take a long, hard,
uncomfortable look at myself with out flinching to much and work
through the shit I don't want to deal with.  I've learned how to
listen to those around me who know what they're talking about, and to
implement their suggestions into my own life in order to keep myself
from going backwards.  Am I any where near "normal"?  FUCK NO!!! But I
keep digging away at the giant heap that surrounds me, and it does get
better, incrementally.
What m said is so true, and he said it with love, as I do now.  No
matter how much you want to help any one else out, and no matter how
badly you want to do it now, until you can learn to love and trust
yourself, you won't be able to provide that for any one else.
I know you have a lot of love and support to give, and I think that
you would do wonderfully at helping others to help themselves- AT SOME
POINT- but I can't reiterate strongly enough to you that it has to
start from within.  So far, every time life's lovely little applecart
has crashed and flipped and spilled your apples all over, you've
reacted in the same way- you freak the fuck out, get hammered for a
couple of days, call up and complain about everything that's being
done to you, and refuse to see your own part of the situation.  You
got fired because you were loudly and angrily threatening people. 
You're throwing out statements about not knowing who to trust, when it
these very people who have gone far out on a limb for you, and
continued to do so, regardless of relapse and setbacks.
Like myself, and I'm sure a vast majority of us, learning to be
patient and not getting what we want, when we want it has been more
than a little difficult, but it's something that has to be learned and
endured before you can move on to the next stage.  When you talk about
 just wanting to help others out, that's great, but you HAVE TO START
Like I said to you last night,  was anything any one said to you
wrong?  Are you ready?  Did you listen to any of the suggestions given
with love and concern? No.  And you acknowledged that. That's a big
step in the right direction, but you have to follow it with another
step, and then another after that until you find that you've made it
to a new block, then a new neighborhood, then an entirely new state,
maybe even a new country.
You are loved and cared for, and you have an unbelievable resource to
help yourself with here, but it all comes back to YOU helping YOURSELF
before you can help anyone else.  Sometimes you have to just take a
deep breath and start mucking about in your own shit in order to get
out of it.
We're all here for you, when ever you need us, anytime, but please get
honest with yourself before it's too late.

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