a newbie speaks

firefly lik4luk at yahoo.com.au
Wed Jun 14 18:41:28 EDT 2006


Hey allyou fellas-the opiate free(nice job) and like me the planing to be opiate free real soon!
  Well I'm 30(just)-I am a single mum of two boys,salem is 2.5yrs and josef is almost 7.I started using after anasty car crash that rooted my shoulda(ooo that pain) and had to sell my busy salon(not for a profit as it was only 2yrs old).so with that devastation and pain came my "saviour"-morphine.loved it loved it began to hate it,blew all my veins used to spend ages with my hand in the sink of hot water waiting for my terrified wee veins to come hither-quite often ending up with as many holes as spongebob-bumjob!was using when I became preggy and got offered done"no way"said I and sumhow weaned myself off-all good,healthy baby boy!driving along da road one day toot toot wave etc.yupone of my old using buds.so it goes-"hey I'm just workin dwn the road from your house u keen for a taste?'  and we all know that snowball effect of just one taste.Iwas hitting up 'done one day(yeah eh dum as-"u'l loose that half life-wot a waste"blah blah)stuck the fit into the bottle,yup safety
 first for me back then!,started to plunge it into my arm felt funny airbubbles runnin up my arm looked down!aargh a fukin fitfull of air!!!I looked up at the veiw for wot I thought was the last time wot a disgusting feeling.Didnt put me off I just took more time to check wot I was doin in my rattling state.
  Anyway once my Boy was able to crawlinto the kitchen or whereeva I was cookin/hittin up I couldnt do it any more.memba seeing a kid with his mums used fit stirring it round in her dregs-he was only 3.I was brought up with morals and they came back.So I have depression sumtimes real bad,didnt want to be treated as a junkie so took myself to the psych ward to do a detox(without their knowledge)I just knew if they were onto my using all the psych help would go out the window!all was ok,even tho I was sharing a room with a lady getting injected with opiates for neck pain!so one day i felt bad sore tum and nausea they gave me sum drugs and WOE I had a psych reaction and fuk was I tripping!!!so  my mate told the Dr's about my using in case that had a bearing-esp. coz I found my mates visitor was on the done and was buying that in the ward!SOOO I was rite all the Post traumatic stress or post baby depression or woteva just was forgotten.The worst thing I remember was the Chief
 Psych Dr for ALL the ward asked me if I ever had a spontaneous orgasm from withdrawing off opiates.I was so sick and vulnerable tired and deperessed and all he was into was me orgasming-asswipe!So my options were wait 10months to go on methadone through the pain clinic or 5months for the programme through CADDS(community alc and drugs services).
  So of course 5mnths was me-that was 6years ago and I've had enuf.My other Son was very sick 3days after he was born yup withdrawing from MY methadone,the guilt was unbearable.After slowly withdrawing him off pediatric morphine he is now fine.My mental state howeva has not really recovered.I need to get off this stuff that has caused me so much pain and guilt.Have reduced,hard work with two fulltime kids on my own.Then out of the blue my friend came to see me one night.Me at home drinking beer smoking pot lookin rather edgy."oh my god you remind me of my best mate(the amazing Kirk!) before she had this stuff-you need it too!'
  And that was the beginning of my journey!So I'm plannin to go to aus in aug and do this thing!I feel like a selfish kid at times now all I think about is Me and Me taking Ibo and Me having no opiates in my bones,teeth,bloodstream etc.I'm so fukin amped I spend lots of time reading all your letters and various other sites info-ibeginagain etc.
  so many emotions-fear-excitment-I'm sure you know.
  Please any good advice as to how to prepare myself physically and mentaly for my freedom journey would be wunderbar!!!peace and love to all-my life is about to change and its great!!!!
  I want back in the drivers seat of my body and mind.
  Tanz from Dunedin nz.xx

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