[Ibogaine] re : [ibogaine] from leah.
jill at handwoven.co.nz
Tue Jun 13 06:51:54 EDT 2006
O.K;Some of you have requested this,sooo,just remember to truly know me,ain't to neccarsarily love me - as the assholes that have tried to kill me over the years will attest.To my own credit I must confess, most had good cause. Remember, if you can't carry your tongue in your cheek in this life, then theres only one other place I can suggest you put it. However I digress, I'm sure it's much jucier to you all to hear the woeful sordid details of my own two decade long attempt at self destruction. I was recently brought, rather abruptly, as those of you who have done the nasty 'ole Ibo will quantify, off what I'm told was a massive dose of dope - close to a gram a day(ceased to do anything but keep the sickness away for years, what a waste,tsk!). I was also enjoying (dubiously,I confess), a fat handful of Rivitrol-Gen:Clonazepine,and a quart of Bourbon daily just to keep things mellow and while we are discussing my own foul past proclivities,also,one and a half to two packs of Marlboro Red/Luckies per day. I have Jasen to thank for coming over the ditch from the old penal colony down under, risking his freedom by shoving what concerned him,as a"Near lethal Dose"-26 or 27 mg per kg,(I applaud your humanity Jase-seriously, you behaved most professionally during my treatment,take a bow) and, without naming names, my sincerest thanks to those whose wisdom and advice guided Jasen's hand, you know who you are, thank you. Personally, I rekon I could've withstood double what he dosed me-at the time, and I WOULD have survived it because thats just the ornery, stubborn,obnoxious glutton I am when it comes to substance consumption(should really stay in past tense - still who knows eh?Hahaha!Spit in the fuckin' Devils eye). Anyone who's ever survived a taste spiked with concentrated petrol will understand:eventually, what does'nt kill us, makes us FEEL invincible - tho' occasionally reality proves us naiive.
Well, I cannot, of course say whether I'd have come though double or nothing (but odds are yay), however, I concede the moot point to the bastard sufferring the dose I DID take has put me through - though I'm so glad to be done with the toxic nonsense I was hitherto engaged in, of all, especially the Nicotine (how strange you say, you'd think the smack to take the foremost) - well, truth is, though I'm over it, part of me misses the security of a smack habit. That's honesty for ya folks, me and smack were very intimate for a long time, and like all unhealthy relationships, it still hurts when she leaves you - can any of 'fess to that?Come on people, my breast is laid bare here! Hahaha! Well, lets just say I reckon smokes were gonna kill me before Opiates - and the hell that followed with them. Anyhoo, I was taken by suprise at being laid low(fucked up,thats to say bluntly) for so long, and am glad that for once I was unable to break yet another record in the annals of self destructive consumption, for I fear had I, that one would have shit onesself to death by now - it was bad enough pukin' up foulness of a greeney black shade, so viscous as gearbox oil, and so evil that it burned the skin offa my lips in great strips(Jase held my hair-ain't that sweet?) BUT, my mum bought me tissues to wipe it off my face in great strings, and the malodourous remnants of which there stuck, made me cut off my moustache, ssob!(I'm growing a new even cheesier one to spite that).Afterrrr what seems like months but is in fact only a spirit crushing three weeks, I do feel I can in all hopefullness say,or squeak,"I shall never use again"- however,I CAN'T, but I SHALL do my best. I won't smoke again, for sure there, I can smell a smoker at fifty metres now, and rot them all, for they reek so, I should cleave their skulls! On Dr's orders(and a pox on those of you who told Jasen to just rip me offa them - Ibo, does'nt get the 'ole Benzo's out easy), I'm reducing sensibly off the Rivs,allowing my dear old mum to dose me on account I still don't trust myself or any junky, current or ex (hard spots to change people!). Ma has me down to one"small half"daily - she gave me the"big halves"last week, chortle. Hey!!God bless mums, three cheers for those family members we have that still love us, let alone tolerate us! A salute to those that suffered true, while we made jerks of ourselves! And now, a piece of my mind. When Leah and myself embarked on the path to redemptoin via Ibogaine, certain websites that shall remain anon, and the postings of some of "The Initiated"(as it were) vexed, perplexed,and downright scared the shit out of us...We found ourselves asking,"Will this shit mentally lobotomise us?"..."Will it really turn us into nutless new age apologists, that love all, sight unseen?"..."Or shall we awake, happy to be thus unburdened, that we shall meekly give up our individuality, and personality, to the cult of those reformed?",for people such was the pitiful hand wringing, cultish, and inane ravings of blithering Ibo Evangelists that in places we did stumble upon, we had good cause to have concerns, and we did - of course this was before subsribing to the list. Anyway, happily it seems, our fears were unfounded, I've spoken to Leah, she's the same sceptic cynic I've grown to love, and as for myself, I'm just as septic, grumpy,cynical, sceptical, and fond of Samurai swords, their use and result, still dig exactly, Frank Zappa's take on human frailty (and I thank Ibogaine for giving me back my enjoyment of the Marry-ju-ju, coz I can see old Frank's notes drifting though the dark of my room at night) - what a loss he was to those that cherished the truth told with mirth, no-one escaped his wit. How our addictions past still hold such perverse fascination to us eh children? The temptation to pore through them as an infant does with his faeces - so to speak, it leaves your humble correspondent wondering....Yes theres a great deal of wondering been going on, questions, questions, with answers only coming slowly. Are we poring over our addictions because we wish to understand their nature and cause? Or could it be that in reality, the gaping chasm left in it's absence(absences, in my own case) leaves us somewhat bereft. Bereft of WHAT??!You defensively ask, bereft of a purpose however sad, perhaps? Maybe bereft of something that filled your head and time, dumbing you down 'till your soul stopped screaming"NO MORE!!!!"-well don't ask me, it's your fucking addiction not mine! However, I shall drop a pearl of wisdom that might clear the air, Get up, and get on with what life you have left, if your over it, let that ugly, sorrow filled part of your life fall away from you like the shite it is, get over it before your enthusiasm uncurbed, becomes again morbid fascination, and bites you in the ass!
You have to know...."Thats the way it goes, so wipe your nose, and try'n get a little lay tomorrow..."A wise man penned, and sang those words, and many more for those of you tempted to go down the road of deluded quasi religeous blarney. Vector I salute you, for in the face of the madding crowd it takes the brave to bear forth the truth! Let not your spirit cringe in shame folks, nor fear the person addiction made, for addiction made us, one and all still standing, SURVIVORS, wear that badge with pride, and remember, warriors don't hide their scars. There's your cold five thousand words.R.I.P,
----- Original Message -----
To: ibogaine at mindvox.com
Sent: Tuesday, June 13, 2006 7:09 PM
Subject: [Ibogaine] re : [ibogaine] from leah.
Its 6pm Wellington nz, freezing cold, its been hailing, I am still chilled to the bone,going out in this weather, well, it aint easy.This city is known for the mad winds, its ruggard & beautifull. Thanks for the support callie, how amazing.Hi to the kapt (& zoe) keep the stories on K, I know theres heaps more..oh, & to dr feelgood, my other provider extrodainaire . . . . .i had a day very similar to yours where I cryed (first time since ibo) it was intense, I felt so raw.. so weird.
Leah. . . .
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