[Ibogaine] Lazy or Fried...

Preston Peet ptpeet at nyc.rr.com
Sat Jun 18 17:58:35 EDT 2005


>Now I Just have two lives...and hope the one doesn't swallow the 
>other...Its a hard fight and I'm exhausted..when I can't hack it I check 
>myself in, but it seems reform for me just means that I am recovering from 
>a beating and somewhere deep in the back of my soul...as you say the clock 
>ticks...<

Keith, almost every single one of those who've found themselves "addicted" I 
HONESTLY BELIEVE are going to ALWAYS being going through this, the clean ups 
and downs, and dirty ups and downs too. I Hear you loud and clear, I think. 
I'm going through my own suicidal depressive black state at the moment. I 
think of the people who've made it five years, who've I've known previously 
with years under the fucking belts who still do not "stay" clean forever, no 
matter HOW optimistic they are. I saw my old running friend Marcus the other 
morning, back in NYC again, after posting here from Florida a couple times 
clean, where he was fucking MISERABLE. So, now he's living on the streets of 
NYC again, LES, and shooting shitloads of cocaine and heroin again- and was 
treated with ibogaine a second time, (at provider loss actually- go 
provider, whom I love with all my heart actually, platonically of course) 
about a week ago. He helped me cop something as I was low on pills, again, 
ALREADY. ARGH!
    As soon as I see, read (or fucking hear myself) start with the "oh gosh 
life is grand and I'm 'clean' now," bullshit, I fucking flat out cringe, 
because how many fucking times am I going to hear it, from people in rooms, 
from the ibogaine list, from the rational recovery folk (actually, I like 
them, not that I don't like the others too, as much cringing as I find 
myself doing, and self-beating/deprecating/abuse I do) rapid detox, 
methadone, EVERYBODY, the same fucking bullshit over and over- "this time 
damnit, no more, I'm finished, never again," only to eventually loose track 
of them, they fucking die in a bathroom shooting up or fall out a freakin 
window after all their optimism.
    Gosh, sorry all, I'm really worked up and not really all that cheerful.



Peace and love,
Preston Peet

"Madness is not enlightenment, but the search for enlightenment is often 
mistaken for madness"
Richard Davenport-Hines

ptpeet at nyc.rr.com
Editor http://www.drugwar.com
Editor "Under the Influence- the Disinformation Guide to Drugs"
Editor "Underground- The Disinformation Guide to Ancient Civilizations, 
Astonishing Archeology and Hidden History" (due out Sept. 2005)
Cont. High Times mag/.com
Cont. Editor http://www.disinfo.com
Columnist New York Waste
Etc.

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "VanAllen, Keith G." <VanAllK at sutterhealth.org>
To: <ibogaine at mindvox.com>
Sent: Saturday, June 18, 2005 9:54 AM
Subject: RE: [Ibogaine] Lazy or Fried...


I live in the States right now....in California, where I crash landed, got 
married, and had a kid, I then became acutely aware that I was now on a 
different playing field, someone had f-ing switched the rules on me, and now 
if I just fixed my engine and flew away then I would hurting a little kid. I 
was abandoned at a very young age (like 7) and now as I sat looking out the 
window thinking of leaving I realized that one reason "I Rode the Horse" was 
that I was killing the pain. People have a way of hurting the next 
generation in the same way they were hurt. I couldn't leave my little Nicky 
to feel the same hole I had inside.

Now I Just have two lives...and hope the one doesn't swallow the other...Its 
a hard fight and I'm exhausted..when I can't hack it I check myself in, but 
it seems reform for me just means that I am recovering from a beating and 
somewhere deep in the back of my soul...as you say the clock ticks...


terrified of myself,

Keith

ps# sorry for all the metaphors...it helps mask the shame I guess. One day 
I'll write a "to be brutally honest" post...I'm numb to most of it anyway.

Pss# I just thought that I'm being extremely grimm right now cause it's 7 am 
here and I haven't slept...woops..I'll lighten up, with the sky. :}



-----Original Message-----
From: Capt Kirk [mailto:captkirk at free.net.nz]
Sent: Thursday, June 16, 2005 5:14 PM
To: ibogaine at mindvox.com
Subject: RE: [Ibogaine] Lazy or Fried...


Hey Keith!!  Love the feral cat line, lol yep know that feeling too, but all
in good time aye (tick tock tick tock tick tock, chew finger nails to the
quick look at the calendar, tick tock tick tock)
Can I ask what part of the world you reside in?
I'm in New Zealand, south Island (and anyone is welcome to come stay...:o) )
So it's a long way to go to find a provider (looking sideways at Jasen!!!
HURRYYYY  YUPPPPPPPPPPPP!! Lol)

Kirk xx

-----Original Message-----
From: VanAllen, Keith G. [mailto:VanAllK at sutterhealth.org]
Sent: Friday, 17 June 2005 2:47 a.m.
To: ibogaine at mindvox.com
Subject: RE: [Ibogaine] Lazy or Fried...

I can relate to you on a general...I've been in the hole and climbed back
out more times than I care to admit..kinda way. I haven't been treated with
Ibo and where I live may not have the opportunity unless I can afford a 1200
dollar adventure and a week worth of travel...ok...no excuses...I understand
because I have been through the getting well process a lot. Right now I am
not as well as I could be...I just keep telling myself that I am a highly
functional addict...truth is for me it's a roller coaster that I want off,
like a bunch of other people I wish Ibogaine would sneak through my door and
pounce on me like a redeeming feral cat, but I know I got to go to it on my
own.....anyway I'm just empathizing with ya.

Hope you feel better soon,

Keith

-----Original Message-----
From: tink [mailto:tinkerbell.sarah at gmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, June 16, 2005 7:20 AM
To: ibogaine at mindvox.com
Subject: Re: [Ibogaine] Lazy or Fried...


Thankyou...good analogy.  now if I could only move :]
And yes, the aches and pains are a drag and a half.  It hasn't stopped
raining in a week, so add allergies and humidity to the mix, and i am
in soup mode.
There is no tub, and the showers have to be short thanks to a flooded
septic system.  Urgh.
how long till you felt "right?"  the first time i went through
treatment with ibogaine, I wasn't nearly this wiped out.  I must be
getting oooooollllllldddd.....
love
tink

On 6/16/05, VanAllen, Keith G. <VanAllK at sutterhealth.org> wrote:
> Tink,
>
> I can relate to having no energy and moving through the day in a haze of
aches pains, and no one around me understanding..."You look fine." they say,
as I try to focus on their words. well, if fine is stumbling into the
bathroom every three hrs at any time of day and night to run the hottest
bath I can stand then wow, your right!
>
> Anyway I feel ya...comfort yourself and move at your own pace...I can't
calm your mother down but it sounds like you need this time to hibernate and
grow. When butterflies first come out of the cocoon they must spread their
wings to dry, during this time they are very weak and probably sore as
hell.....you'll fly soon enough.
>
> Keith
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: tink [mailto:tinkerbell.sarah at gmail.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 16, 2005 6:39 AM
> To: ibogaine at mindvox.com
> Subject: [Ibogaine] Lazy or Fried...
>
>
> I've been arguing with my mother all morning about my lack of energy
> post treatment.  She seems to think that i just don't want to get off
> my ass, when in reality, I CAN'T just yet.  I've gotten much more
> energy in the last 10 or so days, but am not quite back to myself yet,
> and partly because I still am just not sleeping yet.
> Is there some thing someone has i can Fwd to her about this?  She's
> driving me freaking crazy!!!  I'M driving me crazy, trying to parry
> and thrust with the arguments, and it's not going so well.  What
> little energy I do have is being devoured by stress.  thank gawd I
> have a new therapist and will be meeting with him this week...
> paralyzed-
> tink
>
>
>
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