thanks : )

tink tinkerbell.sarah at
Thu Jul 14 11:50:36 EDT 2005

"Riots and comedy are but symptoms of the times, profoundly revealing.
 They betray the psychological tone, the deep uncertainties...and the
striving for something better, plus the fear that nothing would come
of it at all."
     I've felt a sort of paralysis lately, and haven't been quite sure
what to do with myself.  I, too, am suffering through the whole, "NOW
what??!" thing, which sort of surprised me. I guess I didn't realise
how much time and thought went to going to the damned suboxone doc.
    The other side of it has been the vast uncertainty of going
forward in a new direction.  I know what to expect when I'm using
(more or less) but have little idea about the whole success thing. 
After coming as far as I have, and doing well at it, I don't know if
I'm spinning in circles because I'm fighting the urge to self sabotage
what I've built up so far, or if I'm really kind of directionless.  I
expect it's a little bit of both, with a bunch of other shit thrown in
for fun.
    I suppose the important thing is that I'm NOT using, and even as I
hide out at my father's, I'm still a hell of a lot better off than I
was a year ago.  I don't always remember that, wanting the instant
gratification factor in every aspect of my life, to a certain extent.
    Thank you all for the reminder of watching for the long view of
things.  It's frightening how quickly I've developed amnesia about
those nifty little facts of a life of addiction.  It never ceases to
amaze and scare me how easy it is to fall back down that rabbit hole. 
Knowing that I'm not alone in all of this shit has helped in so many
ways.  You all help keep me sober and whatever form of sane
(LOLOLOLOL) that's manifested itself in me at the moment.
   My love to you all

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