[Ibogaine] There and back again

Preston Peet ptpeet at nyc.rr.com
Tue Dec 27 13:10:41 EST 2005

>So that's probably the first thing I want to talk to the shrink about, how 
>does a grown man go about learning to feel his emotions so this never has 
>to happen again?  I noticed how when I get a feeling, I automatically label 
>it good or bad and if it's bad, I stuff it.<

First of all Matthew, thanks for posting this note describing your latest 
experience- very poignent and clear, succinct and eloquent, and by me much 
    I can so relate to the above sentence. I just had to post a pithy note 
saying that- that I've so many times put myself right back where I've 
already been, that I need to ask, or figure out with someone else listening 
impartially, how I go about learning to feel my emotions and other feelings 
both mental and physical without automatically going back to tried to true 
methods that seem to lead down the same freaking cull-de-sack every time, 
even if the route looks different at various times it's always the same 
dead-freakin' end apparently.
    BTW, that's in large part why I've not changed my sig-line quote for so 
long, about the search for enlightenment etc. Because I feel like that 
exactly, all the time.

Peace and love,

"Madness is not enlightenment, but the search for enlightenment is often 
mistaken for madness"
Richard Davenport-Hines

ptpeet at nyc.rr.com
Editor "Underground- The Disinformation Guide to Ancient Civilizations, 
Astonishing Archeology and Hidden History"
Editor "Under the Influence- the Disinformation Guide to Drugs"
Editor http://www.drugwar.com
Cont. High Times mag/.com
Cont. Editor http://www.disinfo.com
Columnist New York Waste

----- Original Message ----- 
From: Matthew Shriver
To: ibogaine at mindvox.com
Sent: Monday, December 26, 2005 11:14 PM
Subject: [Ibogaine] There and back again

So it was really pretty different than all of the other times I have done 
it.  I think there were a number of factors contributing to it, my 
metabolism is faster I'm sure, my all around health is better, and my diet 
is way better.  So somehow the effect duration was substantially shortened. 
I took 16mg/kg in an enema last night, about 25 hours ago now.  When that 
kicked in I felt really panicky and I called my girlfriend who had made 
arrangements to stay out of the house for a few days, and I asked her to 
come home and sit with me.  So she did, and I felt WAY safer.  But the 
intensity was just more than I could handle, which makes me wonder if the 
opiates I was on before had actually deadened some of the ibo so that this 
time I was feeling it so much more viscerally than before.  So I was at this 
point of feeling like the intensity had stopped climbing but I felt as if 
any more increase would just make me shriek, I mean I was terrified, all of 
creation was literally coming undone right in front of me.  But I realized 
at that point that I was not at the point I was seeking from this 
experience.  So I pondered the capsules, and in the end, I couldn't do it. 
I agonized over it for a couple of hours, then decided I just couldn't take 
any more.  I fell asleep around 2 AM, I slept till 7 or so, I don't recall 
any dreams but my girlfriend did say that she saw me in REM.

So when I woke up I was still feeling some background sensory stuff (similar 
to what I have going on now) but seemingly no effect on my thoughts.  So I 
decided to take the last of it, another 9 mg/kg this morning, about 12 hours 
ago now.

Again it was pretty intense, a little frightening, but in the end, very 
instructive.  Even though I didn't get what I was after, and I actually felt 
sad about that last night and sad about letting fear keep me from doing what 
I thought I wanted, I still feel as though I benefited from it.  I feel like 
I have some great insight into the source of my depression.  I think 
ultimately, that my head was packed to the gills with unfelt emotions and it 
was poisoning every aspect of my thoughts.

Ibogaine came up with an analogy for me.  Imagine that your mind is like a 
train station, a big room with a very high ceiling.  Now you know that crud 
that collects on the refrigerator compressor fan, that weird black dust and 
lint and whatever the hell crap?  Well imagine that stuff all smeared on all 
of the walls and ceilings.  But so much of it that it is really thick, like 
meters and meters of this stuff, so much that you can't walk around in there 
without hunching over and some areas you can't get to without crawling. 
That's what I think my head was starting to look like from all of the unfelt 
emotions.  And the ibogaine came in and just shredded it.  My head feels 
absolutely freaking spacious now!  I mean that literally, my head feels so 
clean and clear.

So that's probably the first thing I want to talk to the shrink about, how 
does a grown man go about learning to feel his emotions so this never has to 
happen again?  I noticed how when I get a feeling, I automatically label it 
good or bad and if it's bad, I stuff it.  I saw the whole thing in action 
repeatedly.  I would start to cry, and soon as my eyes began to overflow, I 
would make a loud sniff followed by a slow exhale and it would be gone. 
Just gone, stuffed off where no-one will ever find it, right.  I also 
noticed that the more I did that, the more my stomach would hurt.  I noticed 
a very similar thing with the fear.  I had a lot of fear early on and it was 
making my body ache and writhe but somehow I was also aware that I was not 
completely feeling it, I was avoiding it.  My girlfriend suggested to me 
that there is no such thing as a bad feeling and I was completely awestruck 
by my own capacity for ignorance in not having ever in my whole life thought 
of that idea.  I know I'm not dumb but holy crap can I act like it.

I saw repeatedly how my mind redirects certain things; basically I saw what 
happens to a thought or an event or whatever, after my mind decides what it 
means.  Because before it means anything to me, it is just something that 
happens.  But as soon as it means something to me, it becomes, wonderful or 
terrible, or a million other finely graded ready-made labels.  And when that 
happens, I just react to it. This is all done automatically by the mind that 
I setup as a child.  And I saw that too,  I saw how I had setup all these 
automatic interpreters for events that were of just no use to an adult.  I'm 
walking around with all of this programming that I did when I was like 1.

So I also decided that I never want to do ibogaine again.  That's just not 
what I want on my journey through this life anymore.  And I decided to 
change my clean date.  And I decided to unsubscribe from this list as well. 
I have no problem declaring as loudly as I wish that I absolutely believe in 
ibogaine as a treatment for drug addiction.  But I don't' want to involve 
myself in anything more to do with it.  I have the utmost respect for that 
drug.  It's probably the only drug that I have ever taken that I didn't 
completely misuse and abuse.  But one thing I had lost appreciation for 
until it was on me, ibogaine is a fucking powerful drug.  I sort of imagine 
it like I'm on an archeological dig, and I need to uncover some stuff, but 
ibogaine is like a freaking nuke and I just can't make proper use of it. 
But when I was on methadone it was like there was a freaking skyscraper 
built on top of my archeological dig and a nuke was the right tool for that 

Incidentally, since I dosed last night and then again this morning I noticed 
something, it seemed as if the presence of what I guess was noribogaine, 
potentiated the effect of the ibogaine.  It seemed like the first 2 hours of 
this mornings dose was almost as powerful as last nights dose, but then it 
abated fairly quickly so I thought that there might be something interesting 
going on between the two.

Anyway, I want to say good bye to everyone.  I'll hang out for a week or so 
and follow up with any discussion about this post, but them I'm off.  I also 
want to say I'm sorry to anyone who I may have ever offended here.  I don't 
mean to be mean or thoughtless, I actually do honestly care about other 
people, I just don't' always know how to show it.  I am very struck by how 
much I seemed to have not learned as a child.  I feel like these painfully 
childish lessons have gone poorly answered or unanswered for my whole life. 
Feel free to email me off list even after I have left if you wish.

I didn't get what I was after but I'm not unsatisfied with what I did get. 
I think I may have gotten a piece of the puzzle I need to solve in order to 
be OK in this world without taking any drugs, and that's what I am looking 
for.  I decided actually quite a lot of stuff.  I decided to get a ring and 
ask my girlfriend to marry me.  I decided that I don't show my friends often 
enough or strongly enough, how much I love and appreciate them.  There's 
going to be some changes made.
Peace and love to you all, wherever your own journeys may lead.

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