There and back again

Matthew Shriver matt at
Mon Dec 26 23:14:12 EST 2005

So it was really pretty different than all of the other times I have done
it.  I think there were a number of factors contributing to it, my
metabolism is faster I'm sure, my all around health is better, and my diet
is way better.  So somehow the effect duration was substantially shortened.
I took 16mg/kg in an enema last night, about 25 hours ago now.  When that
kicked in I felt really panicky and I called my girlfriend who had made
arrangements to stay out of the house for a few days, and I asked her to
come home and sit with me.  So she did, and I felt WAY safer.  But the
intensity was just more than I could handle, which makes me wonder if the
opiates I was on before had actually deadened some of the ibo so that this
time I was feeling it so much more viscerally than before.  So I was at this
point of feeling like the intensity had stopped climbing but I felt as if
any more increase would just make me shriek, I mean I was terrified, all of
creation was literally coming undone right in front of me.  But I realized
at that point that I was not at the point I was seeking from this
experience.  So I pondered the capsules, and in the end, I couldn't do it.
I agonized over it for a couple of hours, then decided I just couldn't take
any more.  I fell asleep around 2 AM, I slept till 7 or so, I don't recall
any dreams but my girlfriend did say that she saw me in REM. 


So when I woke up I was still feeling some background sensory stuff (similar
to what I have going on now) but seemingly no effect on my thoughts.  So I
decided to take the last of it, another 9 mg/kg this morning, about 12 hours
ago now.


Again it was pretty intense, a little frightening, but in the end, very
instructive.  Even though I didn't get what I was after, and I actually felt
sad about that last night and sad about letting fear keep me from doing what
I thought I wanted, I still feel as though I benefited from it.  I feel like
I have some great insight into the source of my depression.  I think
ultimately, that my head was packed to the gills with unfelt emotions and it
was poisoning every aspect of my thoughts.  


Ibogaine came up with an analogy for me.  Imagine that your mind is like a
train station, a big room with a very high ceiling.  Now you know that crud
that collects on the refrigerator compressor fan, that weird black dust and
lint and whatever the hell crap?  Well imagine that stuff all smeared on all
of the walls and ceilings.  But so much of it that it is really thick, like
meters and meters of this stuff, so much that you can't walk around in there
without hunching over and some areas you can't get to without crawling.
That's what I think my head was starting to look like from all of the unfelt
emotions.  And the ibogaine came in and just shredded it.  My head feels
absolutely freaking spacious now!  I mean that literally, my head feels so
clean and clear.


So that's probably the first thing I want to talk to the shrink about, how
does a grown man go about learning to feel his emotions so this never has to
happen again?  I noticed how when I get a feeling, I automatically label it
good or bad and if it's bad, I stuff it.  I saw the whole thing in action
repeatedly.  I would start to cry, and soon as my eyes began to overflow, I
would make a loud sniff followed by a slow exhale and it would be gone.
Just gone, stuffed off where no-one will ever find it, right.  I also
noticed that the more I did that, the more my stomach would hurt.  I noticed
a very similar thing with the fear.  I had a lot of fear early on and it was
making my body ache and writhe but somehow I was also aware that I was not
completely feeling it, I was avoiding it.  My girlfriend suggested to me
that there is no such thing as a bad feeling and I was completely awestruck
by my own capacity for ignorance in not having ever in my whole life thought
of that idea.  I know I'm not dumb but holy crap can I act like it.


I saw repeatedly how my mind redirects certain things; basically I saw what
happens to a thought or an event or whatever, after my mind decides what it
means.  Because before it means anything to me, it is just something that
happens.  But as soon as it means something to me, it becomes, wonderful or
terrible, or a million other finely graded ready-made labels.  And when that
happens, I just react to it. This is all done automatically by the mind that
I setup as a child.  And I saw that too,  I saw how I had setup all these
automatic interpreters for events that were of just no use to an adult.  I'm
walking around with all of this programming that I did when I was like 1.


So I also decided that I never want to do ibogaine again.  That's just not
what I want on my journey through this life anymore.  And I decided to
change my clean date.  And I decided to unsubscribe from this list as well.
I have no problem declaring as loudly as I wish that I absolutely believe in
ibogaine as a treatment for drug addiction.  But I don't' want to involve
myself in anything more to do with it.  I have the utmost respect for that
drug.  It's probably the only drug that I have ever taken that I didn't
completely misuse and abuse.  But one thing I had lost appreciation for
until it was on me, ibogaine is a fucking powerful drug.  I sort of imagine
it like I'm on an archeological dig, and I need to uncover some stuff, but
ibogaine is like a freaking nuke and I just can't make proper use of it.
But when I was on methadone it was like there was a freaking skyscraper
built on top of my archeological dig and a nuke was the right tool for that


Incidentally, since I dosed last night and then again this morning I noticed
something, it seemed as if the presence of what I guess was noribogaine,
potentiated the effect of the ibogaine.  It seemed like the first 2 hours of
this mornings dose was almost as powerful as last nights dose, but then it
abated fairly quickly so I thought that there might be something interesting
going on between the two.


Anyway, I want to say good bye to everyone.  I'll hang out for a week or so
and follow up with any discussion about this post, but them I'm off.  I also
want to say I'm sorry to anyone who I may have ever offended here.  I don't
mean to be mean or thoughtless, I actually do honestly care about other
people, I just don't' always know how to show it.  I am very struck by how
much I seemed to have not learned as a child.  I feel like these painfully
childish lessons have gone poorly answered or unanswered for my whole life.
Feel free to email me off list even after I have left if you wish.


I didn't get what I was after but I'm not unsatisfied with what I did get.
I think I may have gotten a piece of the puzzle I need to solve in order to
be OK in this world without taking any drugs, and that's what I am looking
for.  I decided actually quite a lot of stuff.  I decided to get a ring and
ask my girlfriend to marry me.  I decided that I don't show my friends often
enough or strongly enough, how much I love and appreciate them.  There's
going to be some changes made.

Peace and love to you all, wherever your own journeys may lead.


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