HSLotsof at aol.com HSLotsof at aol.com
Fri Aug 12 01:23:54 EDT 2005

In a message dated 8/11/05 12:29:51 PM, mcorcoran27 at yahoo.com writes:

> I'm having a very hard time lately. Not because i have a desire to use but 
> because i have no idea how to live. Now being opiate free, my rage is totally 
> out of control. I'm so disatisfied with life, i go back and forth 
> between angry or lathargic most of the time and when the anger takes control i become 
> completely nuts.
>  Last weekend a friend of mine and my sister screwed me over in a way that 
> most people would consider unforgivable. After letting these feelings of 
> betrayal consume me over the next couple of days I snapped like i always seem to 
> these days went to the friends house early yesterday morning and kicked his 
> door off the hinges pulled him out of bed and kicked the shit out of him. I 
> couldn't stop myself. He was in the hospital all day yesterday and is a mess 
> (fortunately) i dont think he's gonna press charges but my hand is broken so i'm 
> kind fucked anyway. Everyone i know says that he deserved what he got and 
> maybe he did although i feel terrible and the first thing i did when i woke up 
> this morning was cry. but what is most desturbing thing about this whole 
> ordeal is that i'm sick to my stomach thinking how far this rage is taking me. 
> its like since i havent been medicating i've turned into a totally differnt 
> kind of nut and quite frankly i dont like high mark but i think he might have 
> been much less of an asshole and maybe even less crazy on some level.
>  I dont know what to do. i feel like i'm always behind the 8 ball in every 
> important area of my life. the longer i've been straight the more of a mess my 
> life seems to become and its not supposed to be like this. i need to get out 
> of this city for starters and since i can't seem to be able to make any kind 
> of plan to do that i sit angry, satanent and pissed off and thats not a good 
> place for anyone to be.
>  Any sugestions?

When I take this report in light of your earlier report where your face was 
beaten to a pulp in brooklyn I can only say you are in a lot of trouble that is 
completely out of my ability to assist except to say you should be in the 
hands of a very competent therapist, psychiatrist, shaman or nganga. And I don't 
means someone of a half assed quality. The class of folks you need are one in 
a thousand or better class if we are lucky.   If you don't get help I fear the 
next post by or about you could easily tell of us of your death. or a serious 
tradgedy   Get it together man.   This is serious stuff.

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