OT again n again... Mindvox welcome Mat, Matt S.

Kirk captkirk at clear.net.nz
Thu Aug 4 17:38:09 EDT 2005


Appprowpraet.. approopiate.... how do ya spell that??  Haven't hung about
enuff four-ums to even know what that is.....
All I know is I've met some cool people here.... getting me thru the long
haul it's taking until I get to launch off into Iboga-space.
Have you read the welcome mat? Matt? It's very cool and helps explain this
space... have to read it myself every now n then to remind me..... 
Have to go visit DIVO... literally ran into an old friend, Fyfe who works at
the needle exchange/hep c offices in Dunedin and he said something about a
guy who had been trying to set something up here for Ibogaine... but got
sick of red tape? Anyway, will find out more....could be my break....
Kirk xx


-----Original Message-----
From: Matthew Shriver [mailto:matt at itsupport.net] 
Sent: Friday, 5 August 2005 1:55 a.m.
To: ibogaine at mindvox.com
Subject: RE: [Ibogaine] Why tink flipped -or- an attempt at apologising and
explaining to ron

When I first started getting emails from this list a couple weeks ago I
thought the back and forth I was seeing was more appropriate to a forum than
a mailing list.  But I'm a newcomer here so what do I know?  But I have sort
of begun to like the fact that I see the same people posting over and over
again and I see a continuity here that is more like a forum and it's cool.

But I was struck again when reading this how much this back and forth
reminds of meetings.  Although people float in and out of meetings over
time, I generally see the same group of regulars, and I get to hear them
check in and say how things are going in their life.  And there are regulars
who can't stop using, and regulars who have been clean so long it's hard to
even picture them the way they describe their old selves, and everything in
between.  

But mostly what I get from meetings is reminded of how miserable I was when
I was using all the time.  My head likes to be very selective in what I
remember and sometimes I forget all the bad shit (even though there is a
fuck-ton of bad shit to remember) and just remember how very effective drugs
are at changing the way I feel instantly.  Nothing in the world that I have
ever discovered is as reliable or effective as a syringe full of heroin at
making everything feel ok, even if it is only temporary.  I can say the same
of crack although the feelings produced are a little different; still it's
quick and effective, two things I like to hear.  Meanwhile, recovery, "life
on life's terms" as they say, and walking through whatever happens and
staying clean, can sometimes be the slow and painful path and my head hates
that.

But one thing I have come to believe, even if I have to remind myself that
it is true, is that the spiritual path of recovery is, in the long term,
actually the more effective way.  Despite what my head tells me, I seem to
recall that my lowest most unhappy point was when I was selling dope for my
dealer, so the heroin was cheap and easy and I had extra money for crack so
I was loaded constantly.  And in the midst of the greatest abundance of
drugs I have ever known I wanted to die.

And just as an aside Tink, I have a friend who works as a chef and he has a
pink Mohawk at the moment.
Matt

-----Original Message-----
From: tink [mailto:tinkerbell.sarah at gmail.com] 
Sent: Wednesday, August 03, 2005 10:15 PM
To: ibogaine at mindvox.com
Subject: [Ibogaine] Why tink flipped -or- an attempt at apologising and
explaining to ron

Hey Ron and all-
I didn't mean to be so abrupt and bitchy, and I wanted to tell you
that I'm sorry if it came off that way.  I'm not that far from the
edge of disaster on a daily basis, and it's only recently that I've
actually started getting my life together again, after 18 years or so
of a very hardcore heroin and coke addiction(that's for ron-everyone
else has heard ad infinitum ;] ).  I bounced from city to city, clinic
to clinic, and bad sitaution to worse for the majority of my adult
life,  but one day, took a serious look inside and found something
there that I didn't know I had, which was a whole bunch of nuclear hot
rage. I used the rage to focus on getting off of everything once and
for all, and am now not quite so angry any more, but it does come out
in spurts, and I'm beginning to understand why, I think.
I had been so dead for so many years that I didn't even know how
pissed I was.  That has got to be the most absurd thing ever,
considering what I had done to myself, and what had been done to me,
but the brain is a mysterious machine, and my inability to see my nose
on my face is merely symptomatic of the whole disease of addiction.
I guess that, as I meander farther from the darkness and closer to a
"normal" life- what ever the fuck THAT might be- I can recognise my
old behavoirs(and sometimes they sneak back up and bite me on the ass)
in others writing, and it opens my mind to a whole different level of
understanding within myself, and of the whole disease of addiction.  I
guess that as I see myself refecleted in all of you, and it reminds me
of what others in my life have felt, and told me about, but I didn't
understand.  Some of it is quite obvious, now that I'm looking back,
but it certainly didn't feel like it at the time.
And there are probably whole chapters that I will NEVER get, but I'm
okay with that :]
We're all so different, yet all so similar, and this list has been
more than a great help to me in opening my eyes, my mind, and
hopefully my heart.  It's because of the diversity and the openess in
which we all support or snipe at each other that makes it exactly what
it is.
Anyhoo- enough from me tonight.  I love my new job ( I don't have to
be nice to any one and I can dye my hair what ever colour I want:] )
but it's kicked my ass, and away to bed I go.
ANgels on your pillows
Love to you all
tink


 
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