[Ibogaine] Why tink flipped -or- an attempt at apologising and explaining to ron

tink tinkerbell.sarah at gmail.com
Thu Aug 4 11:08:57 EDT 2005

Lol- some habits die harder than others :]
how old am i?

On 8/4/05, Matthew Shriver <matt at itsupport.net> wrote:
> When I first started getting emails from this list a couple weeks ago I
> thought the back and forth I was seeing was more appropriate to a forum than
> a mailing list.  But I'm a newcomer here so what do I know?  But I have sort
> of begun to like the fact that I see the same people posting over and over
> again and I see a continuity here that is more like a forum and it's cool.
> But I was struck again when reading this how much this back and forth
> reminds of meetings.  Although people float in and out of meetings over
> time, I generally see the same group of regulars, and I get to hear them
> check in and say how things are going in their life.  And there are regulars
> who can't stop using, and regulars who have been clean so long it's hard to
> even picture them the way they describe their old selves, and everything in
> between.
> But mostly what I get from meetings is reminded of how miserable I was when
> I was using all the time.  My head likes to be very selective in what I
> remember and sometimes I forget all the bad shit (even though there is a
> fuck-ton of bad shit to remember) and just remember how very effective drugs
> are at changing the way I feel instantly.  Nothing in the world that I have
> ever discovered is as reliable or effective as a syringe full of heroin at
> making everything feel ok, even if it is only temporary.  I can say the same
> of crack although the feelings produced are a little different; still it's
> quick and effective, two things I like to hear.  Meanwhile, recovery, "life
> on life's terms" as they say, and walking through whatever happens and
> staying clean, can sometimes be the slow and painful path and my head hates
> that.
> But one thing I have come to believe, even if I have to remind myself that
> it is true, is that the spiritual path of recovery is, in the long term,
> actually the more effective way.  Despite what my head tells me, I seem to
> recall that my lowest most unhappy point was when I was selling dope for my
> dealer, so the heroin was cheap and easy and I had extra money for crack so
> I was loaded constantly.  And in the midst of the greatest abundance of
> drugs I have ever known I wanted to die.
> And just as an aside Tink, I have a friend who works as a chef and he has a
> pink Mohawk at the moment.
> Matt
> -----Original Message-----
> From: tink [mailto:tinkerbell.sarah at gmail.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, August 03, 2005 10:15 PM
> To: ibogaine at mindvox.com
> Subject: [Ibogaine] Why tink flipped -or- an attempt at apologising and
> explaining to ron
> Hey Ron and all-
> I didn't mean to be so abrupt and bitchy, and I wanted to tell you
> that I'm sorry if it came off that way.  I'm not that far from the
> edge of disaster on a daily basis, and it's only recently that I've
> actually started getting my life together again, after 18 years or so
> of a very hardcore heroin and coke addiction(that's for ron-everyone
> else has heard ad infinitum ;] ).  I bounced from city to city, clinic
> to clinic, and bad sitaution to worse for the majority of my adult
> life,  but one day, took a serious look inside and found something
> there that I didn't know I had, which was a whole bunch of nuclear hot
> rage. I used the rage to focus on getting off of everything once and
> for all, and am now not quite so angry any more, but it does come out
> in spurts, and I'm beginning to understand why, I think.
> I had been so dead for so many years that I didn't even know how
> pissed I was.  That has got to be the most absurd thing ever,
> considering what I had done to myself, and what had been done to me,
> but the brain is a mysterious machine, and my inability to see my nose
> on my face is merely symptomatic of the whole disease of addiction.
> I guess that, as I meander farther from the darkness and closer to a
> "normal" life- what ever the fuck THAT might be- I can recognise my
> old behavoirs(and sometimes they sneak back up and bite me on the ass)
> in others writing, and it opens my mind to a whole different level of
> understanding within myself, and of the whole disease of addiction.  I
> guess that as I see myself refecleted in all of you, and it reminds me
> of what others in my life have felt, and told me about, but I didn't
> understand.  Some of it is quite obvious, now that I'm looking back,
> but it certainly didn't feel like it at the time.
> And there are probably whole chapters that I will NEVER get, but I'm
> okay with that :]
> We're all so different, yet all so similar, and this list has been
> more than a great help to me in opening my eyes, my mind, and
> hopefully my heart.  It's because of the diversity and the openess in
> which we all support or snipe at each other that makes it exactly what
> it is.
> Anyhoo- enough from me tonight.  I love my new job ( I don't have to
> be nice to any one and I can dye my hair what ever colour I want:] )
> but it's kicked my ass, and away to bed I go.
> ANgels on your pillows
> Love to you all
> tink
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