[Ibogaine] Why tink flipped -or- an attempt at apologising and explaining to ron

Ron Davis rwd3 at cox.net
Thu Aug 4 09:43:25 EDT 2005

Hey, that was good..Watch out Preston.  snipe,  snipe
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "tink" <tinkerbell.sarah at gmail.com>
To: <ibogaine at mindvox.com>
Sent: Wednesday, August 03, 2005 11:14 PM
Subject: [Ibogaine] Why tink flipped -or- an attempt at apologising and 
explaining to ron

Hey Ron and all-
I didn't mean to be so abrupt and bitchy, and I wanted to tell you
that I'm sorry if it came off that way.  I'm not that far from the
edge of disaster on a daily basis, and it's only recently that I've
actually started getting my life together again, after 18 years or so
of a very hardcore heroin and coke addiction(that's for ron-everyone
else has heard ad infinitum ;] ).  I bounced from city to city, clinic
to clinic, and bad sitaution to worse for the majority of my adult
life,  but one day, took a serious look inside and found something
there that I didn't know I had, which was a whole bunch of nuclear hot
rage. I used the rage to focus on getting off of everything once and
for all, and am now not quite so angry any more, but it does come out
in spurts, and I'm beginning to understand why, I think.
I had been so dead for so many years that I didn't even know how
pissed I was.  That has got to be the most absurd thing ever,
considering what I had done to myself, and what had been done to me,
but the brain is a mysterious machine, and my inability to see my nose
on my face is merely symptomatic of the whole disease of addiction.
I guess that, as I meander farther from the darkness and closer to a
"normal" life- what ever the fuck THAT might be- I can recognise my
old behavoirs(and sometimes they sneak back up and bite me on the ass)
in others writing, and it opens my mind to a whole different level of
understanding within myself, and of the whole disease of addiction.  I
guess that as I see myself refecleted in all of you, and it reminds me
of what others in my life have felt, and told me about, but I didn't
understand.  Some of it is quite obvious, now that I'm looking back,
but it certainly didn't feel like it at the time.
And there are probably whole chapters that I will NEVER get, but I'm
okay with that :]
We're all so different, yet all so similar, and this list has been
more than a great help to me in opening my eyes, my mind, and
hopefully my heart.  It's because of the diversity and the openess in
which we all support or snipe at each other that makes it exactly what
it is.
Anyhoo- enough from me tonight.  I love my new job ( I don't have to
be nice to any one and I can dye my hair what ever colour I want:] )
but it's kicked my ass, and away to bed I go.
ANgels on your pillows
Love to you all

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