[Ibogaine] lapsing

UUSEAN at aol.com UUSEAN at aol.com
Sun Oct 3 14:20:32 EDT 2004


Hey,

Glad you took a minute to post.  Remember that in addition to the guilt, 
shame, etc., that many of us feel because of our use, there is real chemical crash 
from drugs like meth and coke.  So some of what you are feeling is a 
"natural" result of the drug use itself.

As for looking for your father, this may be a real insight.  I have found 
though therapy that as a gay man I have been looking to be what I imagine my 
father would have wanted in a son: straight, middle class, did I say straight?

But I am not.  My real life father would like to see me alive and happy, 
preferably with a lover.  I am trying to please a father form twenty years ago, 
not the living one now.

Anyway, I am taking my next ibogaine treatment tomorrow.  I am drinking a 
hell of a lot of water, staying close to home, and spending time thinking about 
my life in preparation for my treatment.

I have been a twenty year survivor of crack.  I have averaged $500-$1000 
dollars on a typical run.  The longest I was clean in the last 10 years is six 
months, some of that spent in a hospital for AIDS related pneumonia (PCP).  For 
about a year now I have also been using heroin to come down form the crack. I 
did twice actually end up with a dope habit as a result twice. Last spring I 
also found crystal in SanFran, and really ran with that(IV).  Not really being 
in the gay party scene in NY (preferring to use with straight street hustler 
types) I have reverted back to crack and dope.

I am going into my ibogaine experience two days clean form everything.  I did 
not readdict myself to dope, so I am not sick.  I look forward to journey 
within myself. I hope to make this part of process where I mature out in a sense 
form hard drug use. After treatment I hope to become involved in helping other 
addicts (especially gay ones) about ibogaine. I also hope to become a more 
giving person. A deeper person.
I guess I really want to be alive again. Away form the self centered, narrow 
life which crack and dope have offered.

So again, tomorrow is my next journey.  I will post as soon as I can 
afterwards about my trip.

One final thing.  Thank you all so much for your support and virtual love. I 
have met so many fine people as a result of this list, some of whom I have met 
in the flesh. I hope to meet more of you offline in the coming months. You 
have been true lifesavers in terms of caring, loving support.  With a real no 
saccharine sometimes in your face way that I appreciate as well.

See you after my trip!!

With great respect,
sean



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