[ibogaine] Re:Oops-i slipped!. (there is a bit of a crash)
mcorcoran27 at yahoo.com
Sun Aug 29 12:05:57 EDT 2004
hEY Dana, you out there?
mcorcoran <mcorcoran27 at yahoo.com> wrote:The sheer fact that I'm actually free for the first time in years has been enough for me to stay clean since I got back to NY. Until yesterday. For whatever reason I woke up yesterday morning without that "so happy to be alive and free" feeling and as the day went on it got progressively worse. I was very tired all day, my mood was for shit, then my freakin cell phone goes out due to lack of payment because these past two months have cost me a small fortune and I don't get paid until Monday at the earliest. so no phone till at least Tuesday, and that was the one thing keeping me close to everything thats going on here in NY. Not to mention, it just sucks to have something shut off due to non payment, especially now.
So anyway, as the evening went on I smoked a little pot and all that did was make me feel more foggy and more isolated. Then I got home and I found myself saying these things in my head like "I'd love to do a bag right now" Which was very disconcerting because I haven't had anything like that up to now. Anyway, I had plans to head back downtown but before I decided that I'd go uptown first, just to make sure the dope was still in Harlem. Who knows why we do these things? Then as I walked I started to think about everything thats happened over this past 5 or 6 weeks and how much I've changed, how much stronger I've become. So instead of letting my feet take me in the direction it has for years I made a left instead of a right and went to visit a friend of mine who was treated only 6 days ago and IMMEDIATELY upon opening the door to there apartment the noise stopped and I knew exactly what I needed to be doing again. Seeing my friend whole again reminded me what a precious gift this
really is. Then as soon as I got downstairs I bumped into a guy I used to buy dope from and he told me he'd give me a ride wherever I was going, he had a freshly rolled blunt and since the choice was a loud and painfully bright train or a free ride and free pot I obliged. Then as I get into the car he starts asking me how I got off so much dope so fast and how I was able to make such a transformation in such a short period of time. I explained the process and he told me that his brother is doing 10 bags a day and wont go into a detox because he says they just don't work for him. He says he'll pay whatever it costs to make something happen because this guy is very close to losing his family. So I'm going to do what I have to do to make this happen. It was as if something or someone last night was guiding me, maybe not in the same way it was, this time it was not nearly as soft and gentle, but it was still teaching me, and throwing the perfect sized hurdles in front of me reminding
me that I had a choice and showing me just what I needed as long as I allowed it to get through. Anyway I guess what I'm trying to say is that we are addicts and we will in some respect have this "friend" for life. But a thought for me no longer has to turn into another self destructive act. We have a choice now and some days are gonna suck, just like they do for everyone else, but shooting dope isn't going to make anything any better. Why can't we remember this shit when we need it most?
Shelly as slip is just that, a slip, a mistake. You are still blessed with the ability to arrest it now while its still a choice. I'll be keeping a good though for you. -M.
shelley krupa <skrupa20022002 at yahoo.com> wrote:
Hey all,need to share that i slipped on wednesday,used about 24 hours,got real sick of that & threw it all out,wish i could say for sure what happened,really the first time i craved after doing ibogaine 3 months ago.I could tell the ibogaine was leaving ,well the noribogaine,that is.I had called the (guerilla) provider & asked for a booster,said i had been feeling more depressed,he suggested nutritional help,i didnt follow up on that.I can always tell when the iboga wears off by my moods,and i get diarrhea for sveral months after dosing,the diarrhea had stopped a couple of weeks ago.i have decided to interpret this event in a positive light,very anti 12 step approach,but if i use shame & oh whats wrong with me,ill only dig myself in deeper,so rather than run amock ,im gonna interpret this as,well im on my own now( in regards to nor ibogaine)gotta be alert for that addict voice &thanks for the knock on the door,my goal is to stay clean & i will!one slip does not an addict make.Kinda
hard to write about this but guess we need all prspectives here,humbly shelley
UUSEAN at aol.com wrote:
Letting off steam is much welcomes here.
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