[ibogaine] Re: As promised...

Allison Senepart paradisepaint at callsouth.net.nz
Fri Aug 20 07:16:45 EDT 2004


I think we all go through that want, not want thing.  I used to start
chucking up before I even got the needle into my arm.  I'd have my head down
the toilet, foot out and my partner would be trying to shoot my up while I
was throwing up.;  Thats pretty sick when you are straight & think about it.
 
The mind has amazing powers that we really don't understand.  Am sure it has
a lot to do with the mental process and what you really want to do but am
not sure quite how to put all that into words or even understand how it
works myself.  I just know its there in our heads, its tapping into it that
is the hard part.   Allison 
 
-------Original Message-------
 
From: ibogaine at mindvox.com
Date: Friday, 20 August 2004 1:15:04 a.m.
To: ibogaine at mindvox.com
Subject: [ibogaine] Re: As promised...
 
IBOGAINE . My Journey inside. 
 
7-26-04 So I'm finally here and more ready to be free than I've ever been.
Well that's just it, my perception is different. For quite some time now I
haven't enjoyed doing drugs. I go through the process and spend the money
and obvious then there's the ritual,  but then almost instantaneously I get
this horrible empty feeling that comes over me, a mix of guilt and sadness
and disgust and every time I say to myself "remember this, it makes you even
more miserable than you usually do, not to mention 100 bucks or so poorer"
but for some strange reason I wake up in the morning and I forget how badly
I felt just the night before and by the evening or at best the following
week it starts all over again. Methadone plays a huge part in keeping me in
that destructive behavior because there is no light at the end of the tunnel
 There is no walking away or even going to a detox. You are stuck and a
junkie, and addict whether you like it or not. And when those things are
undeniable, feeling like a failure, and a waste of a good body and mind, are
unavoidable and then  going through that pathetic process is so much easier
hurting myself seems like a good trade off for the possibility of escaping
what I've done to myself  . And maybe its not that I'm looking to get high
because as I've said I do not get much enjoyment out of it but one thing is
for sure, when I get in that drug seeking mode I no longer think about
anything else. Those feelings of failure and inadequacy are no longer at the
forefront of my mind anyway, because I have something else on my mind. 
I just know that if I can free myself from the meth the resolve to stay away
from drugs will be almost a certainty in my case.  Ibogaine, well what can I
say. I'm scared to death by some of the things I've read and more hopeful
than I can ever remember being by others. But the positive things certainly
have outweighed the negative and persuaded me enough to make the decision to
travel across the country to detox in a week. Something that would have
taken me more than a year had I attempted to do it by tapering. And who am I
kidding? Tapering slowly was never an option for me. A life on Methadone is
just about the most depressing thing I could imagine. It makes you feel so
marginalized, so less than, with that being said I couldn't stand it another
minute. Another year? Let me just say that I don't think it would have been
pretty had I continued one more day than I had. Liquid handcuffs is the best
way I've ever heard it put. And I'm not going to touch on what a hell that
year would be physically as well as mentally.
So I drank my last bottle yesterday morning and I had another for this
morning but which I dumped in the toilet. It felt great. The feeling of
knowing that I didn't have to drink a poison one more day. A poison that was
destroying my bones and my teeth not to mention my hopes and my dreams all
to avoid begin just about as sick as you could imagine. What a terrible way
to live. 
 I just took  the ibogaine  let the healing begin! better lay down
one more thing before I blast off.  Life is so short and in a alot of ways I
ve wasted many good years. But I can take the power back and turn that time
wasted around into time that led me to this point in my life. A starting off
point where I learn from my mistakes and maybe if I'm really lucky help
others to learn from my mistakes.
    My body is beginning to vibrate and I feel like my heart is beating fast
but not that fast (140 per minute)... its almost time. Then the strangest
thing happens... Although terrified I begin to smile in a way I can only
remember smiling as a child. Not that sneaky smile or an embarrassed smile
that I've known for me whole adult life. As I try to stop it only gets
bigger.
 
So Miles Davis starts off with Autumn leaves and the smile gets even
bigger!!!!... and then into The Birth of the Cool. I knew it was coming on
strong when the sound was no longer coming from my ears and instead directly
from the back of my brain. Then bare with me, lots of cartoony things that I
was trying to follow but was having a hard time with  geometric patterns and
then pictures of the most beautiful churches I had ever seen maybe not from
this world but who knows  eyes closed but then as the music kept going I
started to feel as if with every note every sound every instrument was
playing a part in fixing my head. Its extremely hard to explain in words
after 3 hours thinking more than hallucinating with my eyes closed the
things I've done the friends I've lost and lots of random thoughts too that
were profound at the time and may have played a big part in my sub conscious
but when I look back not much of it made clear sense. However when I would
open my eyes the ibogaine effects were obvious. furious flashes of light off
of everything. Not the trails I remember from my LSD mescaline days these
were much sharper and distinct. Then maybe four hours in I started to get
very sweaty and the ibogaine was well on but out of nowhere, which I now
know was part of the experience for me,  I started to get sicker and sicker
to the point that I somehow stood up and held the wall to get down stairs
and from what I hear that is quite early to come down a flight of stairs and
not to mention these were marble stairs!!!! I came down to let my caretakers
know that I was getting sick. Then when I looked at there faces and hear
them talking about me in the background the sickness began to consume me and
I was terrified I though OH MY GOD I'M STRANDED IN MEXICO AND THIS SHIT ISN
T WORKING FOR ME!!!!  but something was different AND I FELT IT I kept
hearing my own voice  telling me "remember this...REMEMBER THIS FEELING"
they gave me more ibogaine  and in 10 to 15 minutes I was off. Came back
upstairs and went completely inside my body. I watched this things in my
body shoot off like guizers WATCHING MY BODY CLEAN UP INTERNALLY, the
ibogaine was working and I had a front row seat!!!! I think at this point I
was so overwhelmed with what I had been though that I literally passed out
after another couple of hours. I then came down stairs and out of the dark
room about 6 hours later and all of a sudden I realized that I was no longer
sick and that it worked!!! . I couldn't believe that was it.I kept asking
the caretakers if that was it or were the withdrawals coming back but they
didn't or at least 95 % gone and did not return. But as for the ibogaine it
was far from over. The next hours and into the next few days"weeks in
retrospect" I have had a clarity of mind that I can't ever remember having.
I am seeing life though new eyes. I felt a forgiveness that I have never
known before. A lot of laughing and a lot of crying and this is coming from
someone who just doesn't cry over the next few days  but all feeling and its
wonderful. Trails, or the sharp bolts of light, for days and  but they only
start after it gets dark and there kinda fun. As for the day time everything
feels as if I'm almost experiencing it for the first time. Even getting back
to NYC after being gone for two weeks was different. NY was different. . My
sense of smell and taste brand new. I would consider this one of the most
worthwhile experiences of my life, it saved my life!!!!!!!!
I took small doses of Ibogaine for the next week every day to allow the
noribogaine build up and I'm gonna guess that it worked because no craving
for anything but pot and its been 22 days since my last dose of meth or I
did any other opiate. I'm not going to lie here, this experience is far from
a cake walk and 22 days later I'm only getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep and
still a lot of diraria but I think that might have been something I picked
up in Mexico. But nothing in comparison to the kind of hell coming of
narcotics the conventional way. 
This is nothing short of a gift from god, a god of some kind I'm not sure
what to think anymore, but certainly feel a oneness with the universe that I
can't ever remember knowing, a peace, the noise in my head finally silenced.
This needs to be more readily available to people in need and for me I feel
anyone lucky enough to experience this has to show it the respect it
deserves and for me that means staying far away from the things that brought
me that terrible place I was before the ibogaine maybe even a debt of some
sort to pay back which is purely a personal thing but think of the lives
that could change with a little more education. 
 
 
ON A SIDE NOTE... THIS WAS ME at 12 HOURS INTO IBOGAINE, Did the ibogaine at
3:00 mst go i nto vision leater. then as the ibogai 6went intp withdrwal so
bad it was like hell on heart but I took a other dose and 30 minutes later
it sedt me right off IO.then atg after sleeping for an hour but it felt like
ftill daytime all of a suddend I  and felt great omplwerwtwe find still a
lot of I wanteds to walk around and came down sraitr I was feeling woke up
and lay around a ctotoal clensing. I feel like I'm 15 year old"  HOW FUNNY
IS THAT. I REALLY THOUGHT I I ENOUGH GOING ON THERE TO TYPE A SENTANCE...
SILLY ME.
 
There is no such thing as a magic pill and it all depends on me now but
ibogiane showed me I have choices and that life is just begining and that
addiction IS reversable. 
 
 
 


mcorcoran <mcorcoran27 at yahoo.com> wrote: 
And oh yeah, I went to sleep at 1:30 and was up at 7:00 which might not seem
like a lot but it was the best night sleep I've had in weeks. I really feel
now like I'm just on the otherside. I've been sayin that for weeks but I
think I believe it now. 

Preston Peet <ptpeet at nyc.rr.com> wrote: 
I'm still using Sean, but in extremely small quantities. I've not really had
too many cravings per se.
.
Peace and love,
Preston


----- Original Message ----- 
From: UUSEAN at aol.com
To: ibogaine at mindvox.com
Sent: Tuesday, August 17, 2004 11:33 PM
Subject: Re: [ibogaine] day three!



Hey Preston,

May the dragons continue to guide you:) Glad the DJ is going strong. Look
forward to checking you out some nite soon! Seems like your doing aright.
Was wondering how the urge/craving whatever the hell you want to call it
situation has been. You were dosed about 10 days ago?

sean



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