As promised...

mcorcoran mcorcoran27 at
Thu Aug 19 09:14:49 EDT 2004

IBOGAINE . My Journey inside. 
7-26-04 So I'm finally here and more ready to be free than I've ever been. Well that's just it, my perception is different. For quite some time now I haven't enjoyed doing drugs. I go through the process and spend the money and obvious then there's the ritual,  but then almost instantaneously I get this horrible empty feeling that comes over me, a mix of guilt and sadness and disgust and every time I say to myself "remember this, it makes you even more miserable than you usually do, not to mention 100 bucks or so poorer" but for some strange reason I wake up in the morning and I forget how badly I felt just the night before and by the evening or at best the following week it starts all over again. Methadone plays a huge part in keeping me in that destructive behavior because there is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no walking away or even going to a detox. You are stuck and a junkie, and addict whether you like it or not. And when those things are undeniable, feeling like
 a failure, and a waste of a good body and mind, are unavoidable and then  going through that pathetic process is so much easier hurting myself seems like a good trade off for the possibility of escaping what I've done to myself  . And maybe its not that I'm looking to get high because as I've said I do not get much enjoyment out of it but one thing is for sure, when I get in that drug seeking mode I no longer think about anything else. Those feelings of failure and inadequacy are no longer at the forefront of my mind anyway, because I have something else on my mind. 
I just know that if I can free myself from the meth the resolve to stay away from drugs will be almost a certainty in my case.  Ibogaine, well what can I say. I'm scared to death by some of the things I've read and more hopeful than I can ever remember being by others. But the positive things certainly have outweighed the negative and persuaded me enough to make the decision to travel across the country to detox in a week. Something that would have taken me more than a year had I attempted to do it by tapering. And who am I kidding? Tapering slowly was never an option for me. A life on Methadone is just about the most depressing thing I could imagine. It makes you feel so marginalized, so less than, with that being said I couldn't stand it another minute. Another year? Let me just say that I don't think it would have been pretty had I continued one more day than I had. Liquid handcuffs is the best way I've ever heard it put. And I'm not going to touch on what a hell that year would
 be physically as well as mentally.
So I drank my last bottle yesterday morning and I had another for this morning but which I dumped in the toilet. It felt great. The feeling of knowing that I didn't have to drink a poison one more day. A poison that was destroying my bones and my teeth not to mention my hopes and my dreams all to avoid begin just about as sick as you could imagine. What a terrible way to live. 
 I just took  the ibogaine  let the healing begin! better lay down
one more thing before I blast off.  Life is so short and in a alot of ways I've wasted many good years. But I can take the power back and turn that time wasted around into time that led me to this point in my life. A starting off point where I learn from my mistakes and maybe if I'm really lucky help others to learn from my mistakes.
    My body is beginning to vibrate and I feel like my heart is beating fast but not that fast (140 per minute)... its almost time. Then the strangest thing happens... Although terrified I begin to smile in a way I can only remember smiling as a child. Not that sneaky smile or an embarrassed smile that I've known for me whole adult life. As I try to stop it only gets bigger.
So Miles Davis starts off with Autumn leaves and the smile gets even bigger!!!!... and then into The Birth of the Cool. I knew it was coming on strong when the sound was no longer coming from my ears and instead directly from the back of my brain. Then bare with me, lots of cartoony things that I was trying to follow but was having a hard time with  geometric patterns and then pictures of the most beautiful churches I had ever seen maybe not from this world but who knows  eyes closed but then as the music kept going I started to feel as if with every note every sound every instrument was playing a part in fixing my head. Its extremely hard to explain in words after 3 hours thinking more than hallucinating with my eyes closed the things I've done the friends I've lost and lots of random thoughts too that were profound at the time and may have played a big part in my sub conscious but when I look back not much of it made clear sense. However when I would open my eyes the ibogaine
 effects were obvious. furious flashes of light off of everything. Not the trails I remember from my LSD mescaline days these were much sharper and distinct. Then maybe four hours in I started to get very sweaty and the ibogaine was well on but out of nowhere, which I now know was part of the experience for me,  I started to get sicker and sicker to the point that I somehow stood up and held the wall to get down stairs and from what I hear that is quite early to come down a flight of stairs and not to mention these were marble stairs!!!! I came down to let my caretakers know that I was getting sick. Then when I looked at there faces and hear them talking about me in the background the sickness began to consume me and I was terrified I though OH MY GOD I'M STRANDED IN MEXICO AND THIS SHIT ISN'T WORKING FOR ME!!!!  but something was different AND I FELT IT I kept hearing my own voice  telling me "remember this...REMEMBER THIS FEELING" they gave me more ibogaine  and in 10 to 15 minutes
 I was off. Came back upstairs and went completely inside my body. I watched this things in my body shoot off like guizers WATCHING MY BODY CLEAN UP INTERNALLY, the ibogaine was working and I had a front row seat!!!! I think at this point I was so overwhelmed with what I had been though that I literally passed out after another couple of hours. I then came down stairs and out of the dark room about 6 hours later and all of a sudden I realized that I was no longer sick and that it worked!!! . I couldn't believe that was it.I kept asking the caretakers if that was it or were the withdrawals coming back but they didn't or at least 95 % gone and did not return. But as for the ibogaine it was far from over. The next hours and into the next few days"weeks in retrospect" I have had a clarity of mind that I can't ever remember having. I am seeing life though new eyes. I felt a forgiveness that I have never known before. A lot of laughing and a lot of crying and this is coming from someone
 who just doesn't cry over the next few days  but all feeling and its wonderful. Trails, or the sharp bolts of light, for days and  but they only start after it gets dark and there kinda fun. As for the day time everything feels as if I'm almost experiencing it for the first time. Even getting back to NYC after being gone for two weeks was different. NY was different. . My sense of smell and taste brand new. I would consider this one of the most worthwhile experiences of my life, it saved my life!!!!!!!!
I took small doses of Ibogaine for the next week every day to allow the noribogaine build up and I'm gonna guess that it worked because no craving for anything but pot and its been 22 days since my last dose of meth or I did any other opiate. I'm not going to lie here, this experience is far from a cake walk and 22 days later I'm only getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep and still a lot of diraria but I think that might have been something I picked up in Mexico. But nothing in comparison to the kind of hell coming of narcotics the conventional way. 
This is nothing short of a gift from god, a god of some kind I'm not sure what to think anymore, but certainly feel a oneness with the universe that I can't ever remember knowing, a peace, the noise in my head finally silenced. This needs to be more readily available to people in need and for me I feel anyone lucky enough to experience this has to show it the respect it deserves and for me that means staying far away from the things that brought me that terrible place I was before the ibogaine maybe even a debt of some sort to pay back which is purely a personal thing but think of the lives that could change with a little more education. 
ON A SIDE NOTE... THIS WAS ME at 12 HOURS INTO IBOGAINE, Did the ibogaine at 3:00 mst go i nto vision leater. then as the ibogai 6went intp withdrwal so bad it was like hell on heart but I took a other dose and 30 minutes later it sedt me right off IO.then atg after sleeping for an hour but it felt like ftill daytime all of a suddend I  and felt great omplwerwtwe find still a lot of I wanteds to walk around and came down sraitr I was feeling woke up and lay around a ctotoal clensing. I feel like I'm 15 year old"  HOW FUNNY IS THAT. I REALLY THOUGHT I I ENOUGH GOING ON THERE TO TYPE A SENTANCE... SILLY ME.
There is no such thing as a magic pill and it all depends on me now but ibogiane showed me I have choices and that life is just begining and that addiction IS reversable. 

mcorcoran <mcorcoran27 at> wrote:And oh yeah, I went to sleep at 1:30 and was up at 7:00 which might not seem like a lot but it was the best night sleep I've had in weeks. I really feel now like I'm just on the otherside. I've been sayin that for weeks but I think I believe it now. 

Preston Peet <ptpeet at> wrote: I'm still using Sean, but in extremely small quantities. I've not really had
too many cravings per se.
Peace and love,

----- Original Message ----- 
From: UUSEAN at
To: ibogaine at
Sent: Tuesday, August 17, 2004 11:33 PM
Subject: Re: [ibogaine] day three!

Hey Preston,

May the dragons continue to guide you:) Glad the DJ is going strong. Look
forward to checking you out some nite soon! Seems like your doing aright.
Was wondering how the urge/craving whatever the hell you want to call it
situation has been. You were dosed about 10 days ago?


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