CallieMimosa at aol.com
CallieMimosa at aol.com
Sun Aug 8 17:11:04 EDT 2004
In a message dated 8/8/2004 4:20:07 AM Central Daylight Time,
swbooker at hotmail.com writes:
. Man, I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING to stay clean too, but I can't
ever seem to make it stick for more than a few years at a time. - for some
folks it sticks and others it doesn't. I'm just one of the others.
I really relate to that too. I know some of you hate AA but I have to
mention it for what I am about to say to make sense. It says in the Big Book that
there are some unfortunates who can't get sober. The reason being they are
incapable of being honest. I think I am one of those unfortunates. I can't be
totally honest on a regular basis.
Hell, sometimes I lie when I don't have to. I know it is wrong too! I have
had people say ,"Oh, well then you are okay since you know it is wrong to lie.
It is the folks who don't have a conscious that can't get clean." I think
that is bullshit. I
t does not matter if I make an effort or not I lie. I lie when I am trying
not to! Sad situation to be in!
I hate to write here sometimes in fear of dashing hopes by admitting that
I'm not clean, but everyone has to roll the dice for themselves. No doubt ibo
does something different that nothing else does (in my opinion,) but it still
ain't a hundred percent...
I don't think anything is 100%. And you are not dashing hopes just being
I feel sort of frustrated myself 'cause I feel like I did everything right
too. I've done YEARS of therapy - am very active physically, volunteer a lot,
eat very well, keep my responsibilities clean, spent three years in 12 step
stuff and did EVERYTHING I was supposed to there too - and yada yada. I
sometimes think that the folks who've lost more due to their addiction maybe can
hang on to sobriety better because it took them down so low.
This isn't true for I have lost almost everything! Raising my children,
nursing license, healthy body, numerous places to live, several automobiles,
respect of my family, a good husband. Then after losing that I went to jail for
fraud and possession. That is pretty much!
Some folks here talk about how opiates relieve depression and I know some
folks find that just doing methadone the rest of their life still allows their
life to be much better than when "runnin' and gunnin'. I don't care for the
attitude that folks still using have nothing to offer - I think that idea
might likely bite you in the ass eventually, but I empathize with it all.
Even though I dose everyday with Methadone I really don't consider that
using....or do I? Hell, I don't know what I think sometimes!
I really would be happy doing Methadone the rest of my life but I have a
very difficult time dosing like I am suppose to! When I first pick up my take
homes I always drink an extra dose! I rationalize it many different ways.
I need someone to hand it to me everyday. I tried to get Charlie(my sig.
other) to keep my Methadone and just give me a bottle a day but we would always
argue so he quit that job! lol! I don't blame him!
What humans understand about addiction I think amounts to what the cave
folks understood about electricity. I don't think we really have a clue yet what
it really stems from or why ibogaine seems to hit the reset button for some
but not all. Some folks walk into 12 step meetings and get that too right
off, but what is the difference between the one who get's it and the one who
doesn't? I have an idea in my head alot that I may be "paying back" for
judging "weak" people too harshly in the past, - like having to be fat for being a
creep to fat people at one time. That's the only answer I have for myself
I agree with that entire paragraph!
That is one reason I love this list. It forces me to look at myself with
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