[ibogaine] question

CallieMimosa at aol.com CallieMimosa at aol.com
Sun Aug 8 17:11:04 EDT 2004


In a message dated 8/8/2004 4:20:07 AM Central Daylight Time,  
swbooker at hotmail.com writes:

.  Man, I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING to stay clean too,  but I can't 
ever seem to make it stick for more than a few years at a  time.  - for some 
folks it sticks and others it doesn't.  I'm just  one of the others. 

I really relate to that too. I know some of you hate AA but  I have to 
mention it for what I am about to say to make sense. It says in the  Big Book that 
there are some unfortunates who can't get sober. The reason  being they are 
incapable of being honest. I think I am one of those  unfortunates. I can't be 
totally honest on a regular basis.  


Hell, sometimes I lie when I don't have to. I know it  is wrong too! I have 
had people say ,"Oh, well then you are okay since  you know it is wrong to lie. 
It is the folks who don't have a conscious that  can't get clean." I think 
that is bullshit.  I
 

t does not matter if I make an effort or not I lie. I lie  when I am trying 
not to! Sad situation to be  in!
 
 

I hate to write here sometimes in fear of dashing hopes  by admitting that 
I'm not clean, but everyone has to roll the dice  for themselves.  No doubt ibo 
does something different that nothing  else does (in my opinion,) but it still 
ain't a hundred  percent...
I don't think anything is 100%. And you are not dashing hopes  just being 
honest.

I feel sort of frustrated myself 'cause I feel  like I did everything right 
too.  I've done YEARS of therapy - am very  active physically, volunteer a lot, 
eat very well, keep my  responsibilities clean, spent three years in 12 step 
stuff and did EVERYTHING  I was supposed to there too - and yada yada.  I 
sometimes think that  the folks who've lost more due to their addiction maybe can 
hang on to  sobriety better because it took them down so low.
This isn't true for I have lost almost everything! Raising my  children, 
nursing license, healthy body, numerous places to live, several  automobiles, 
respect of my family, a good husband.  Then after losing that  I went to jail for 
fraud and possession. That is pretty  much!

.  
Some folks here talk about how opiates relieve depression and I  know some 
folks find that just doing methadone the rest of their life still  allows their 
life to be much better than when "runnin' and gunnin'.  I  don't care for the 
attitude that folks still using have nothing to  offer - I think that idea 
might likely bite you in the ass  eventually, but I empathize with it all.  
Even though I dose everyday with Methadone I really don't  consider that 
using....or do I? Hell, I don't know what I think  sometimes!
I really would be happy doing Methadone the rest of my life but  I have a 
very difficult time dosing like I am suppose to! When I first pick up  my take 
homes I always drink an extra dose! I rationalize it many different  ways. 
I need someone to hand it to me everyday. I tried to get  Charlie(my sig. 
other) to keep my Methadone and just give me a bottle a day but  we would always 
argue so he quit that job! lol! I don't blame  him!
 

What humans understand about addiction I think amounts to  what the cave 
folks understood about electricity.  I don't think we  really have a clue yet what 
it really stems from or why ibogaine seems to hit  the reset button for some 
but not all.  Some folks walk into 12 step  meetings and get that too right 
off, but what is the difference between the  one who get's it and the one who 
doesn't?  I have an idea in my head  alot that I may be "paying back" for 
judging "weak" people too harshly in the  past, - like having to be fat for being a 
creep to fat people at one  time.  That's the only answer I have for myself 
right now.   
I agree with  that entire paragraph!
That is one reason I love this list. It forces me to look at  myself with 
clearer eyes!
Thanks!
Callie
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