Brett Calabrese bcalabrese at
Sun Jun 15 12:09:22 EDT 2003

I am going off the morphine, YUCK, nasty shit.
Basically I can't sleep, my skin is dry, nose sore
from scratching, still itching (I know, that is a
plus), am cranky, I "wake up" in the middle of a
conversation continuing where the dream left off...
before they lock me up. Last night I got up went into
the kitchen to the fridge and Vivian found me standing
there in the dark 10 minutes later (standing and
sleeping I guess)... Ya know I gave up doing that shit
for "fun" so I will skip the strangeness at this stage
of my life. It was not great for (this particular)
pain and morphine gives me a little bit of a headache
anyway, somewhat different than the headaches I
normally get so I can tell them apart, with morphine
my head hurts when I shake it, normally it does not.

Meanwhile while I was on it, I could feel myself being
pulled closer, my body wanted more than it really
needed or than I wanted. Somehow more seemed like a
real good idea (I don't even like it!) - of course we
have been through this game a few times (lol) so we
know very well the rules of that game. Anyways, I
watched/observed myself going through it, detached
instead of hooked by it (or getting hooked), of course
I want to watch and see, most do not. Open your eyes,
it is right there in front of you... ha!

Now, I guess methadone (cheap as dirt) or oxy (very
expensive but very popular...) is next. Methadone
being so cheap will be my request, it is harder to
work with than oxy,  something like start on 5mg or 10
and then up it 5mg at a time once a week (to maybe
20-30mg likely). It would also raise less eyebrows
carrying it around with me, oxy these days is like
carrying around a couple bags of dope, and that is
even with a prescription!  So, one more time for the
record (in case there is confusion). I am taking this
shit for pain and do not/will not enjoy it even if I
did. I found out many years ago that if I don't do the
first act of playing around with pain meds, I don't do
the umpteen thousand between that one and the last one
I did before going into treatment (again)... works for

Feels nice to be here without the 90mg of morphine
before breakfast... I didn't get "high" but got coated
with it. The peace had something sitting there beside
it, bothering it... nice to be here, no drugs, no
nicotine, no caffine, nothing. ahhhhhh, good.

OH, and I was getting this  a scotch should have been
in one hand and a cigarette in the other, that is how
it felt after being on the morphine for a while, not
cravings but that it felt more normal that I had other
drugs/substances in me with the morphine.

Something learned.


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