[ibogaine] what changed?

Patrick K. Kroupa digital at mindvox.com
Mon Jul 1 14:11:04 EDT 2002

On [Sun, Jun 30, 2002 at 02:16:08AM -0700], [Kerry Dawson] wrote:

| Patrick everything I know about you is from this list, your writing and
| now reading Mindvox for the first time thouroughly, excuse my spelling
| its very late. I don't know what art is but it's damn good. It's better
| then damn good. Why did you end up on heroin. You said you've chipped
| since 14, that's more years then anyone I know manages it to get a habit
| at 23? What happened, what changed that drove you from where you were to
| where you went for 8 years? 
| I know it's none of my business but all of you use this list like most
| people use the rooms and after reading Mindvox like I've done just now I
| am very, more then curious what happened? When and how did you cross the
| line from in control to out of control. I am familiar with how you
| returned, but that part is a blank to me.

I'm really fried right now, in the depressive phase of manic depression
and I can't read all this stuff, or my mail, or the phones, or ... I just
can't deal right now for an hour or ten or something. 

Yeah people talk about whatever they like here and at least some of the
time feel better afterwards, but I forgot that part of "the rooms," where
someone shines the spotlight on you and sez' "your turn!"  I don't
remember raising my hand, "Hello!  My name is Patrick, I'm Completely
Fucking Crazy, and my abbreviated list of problems and things that have
been on my mind a lot lately, is as follows..."

I'm really, just not in the headspace where I wanna go there right now, to
sum it all up: I was younger, dumber, fell in love for the first time, got
married, when everything in the rest of my life was blowing up and working
out, my ex-wife was becoming full-blown schizophrenic.  This was not fun,
it was an extended process that lasted several years, and after round 3 of
full hospitalization I just no longer saw any light at the end of the
tunnel -- except the freight train heading in my direction.  What I have
here is a seat on the Titanic, it's going down, I do not know how to step
out of this, nobody around me is giving me anything approaching useful
advice, because they're all fucked up too, and here is where I lost and
got my ass kicked in, because no matter what I tried, or did, or how many
different doctors, specialists, shrinks, <insert any and every fucking
thing [here]> I dragged her to...  Nothing worked, and for all the things
I could do, I could not reach out and make someone else sane.  So, fuck
that noise, I'm checking out, if I'm going down in flames, then at least I
want to be really numb. 

Apparently I can deal with lighting up half the DSM.  Half the DSM + 1, I
cannot deal.  Toss in PTSD into all my other shit, and I am no longer a
functioning dysfunctional human being.

So I stopped chipping and caught my first habit.


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